Ava
by Alsike
Summary: Pre baby. Ava from Roswell shows up in San Francisco. Paige, still a Social Worker, finds her. Femslash. 1st person train of thought. Complete!
1. 1 Ava

1. Ava

When I left Roswell I just walked. I hitched a ride and went as far as it took me. I just kept going west. There's no place back for me to go. Everyone's dead, and I have no home in Roswell, no matter how kind Liz is. So I went forward, to San Francisco. I was planning on moving on, but I walked up and down five hills and suddenly reached a vantage point where I could see the bay. I wanted to stay. I liked this city. The wind whipped through my clothes and I shivered, but it made me feel alive again. It made me believe that I could live again, without Zan, without Rath, without Lonnie. I didn't want to before. But at that moment I felt like I could. I could survive here, make a new life, and forget about the old one.

That night I found a warehouse. There were a few tarps in the corner and I curled up in them and went to sleep. I was awoken just a few hours later with a touch on my face. It was kind and tentative. I slowly opened my eyes and saw white and orange blur in front of my eyes. They finally focused and a girl bent over me, paler than anyone I had seen in California so far. Her hair was dyed an orange color, pulled back in a ponytail with stray locks guarding her face, and she's gorgeous. Everything in my upper chest compressed together and I could barely breathe. There was something about her, something awful and wonderful, and sensual. It was hotter than it was with Zan, more honest than it was with Lonnie, and ten times more overwhelming and possible than it had ever felt with Liz. She was going to love me; she had to. I wanted to reach out with my mind, and slap rose-tinted glasses behind her eyes, but I couldn't. I couldn't use her, and if she left my life like she came into it, I would just embrace the pain. 

The pale girl with long dark lashes sat back on her heels. She looked a little stunned. I pushed my self into a sitting position, pulling down my cropped shirt that had ridden up during the few hours I had slept. I didn't want to come on too strong and scare her off. I didn't want to flaunt myself like a cheap whore. I know my outfit didn't help, but I wanted her to see me as someone special. I wanted her to see me, the way Liz did, and not just see my clothes or my piercings, or the fact all my friends and family are gone and I'm sleeping in a warehouse all alone. Why is she here? She's not sleeping in a warehouse.

"Are you all right?" she whispered to me. She felt it too. There's something in this room that makes me want to hush, to keep quiet, "I'm here to help you."

Wait, what? How did she know I was here? Why is she going to help me? What's going on? Does she know about me? Is she from the FBI? Is she against them?

"Who are you?" I hiss, propelling myself backwards. She looks at me like one would look at a frightened kitten.

"Don't run away… I'm not going to hurt you?"

"Then who are you? Why are you here?" I don't want her condescention.

"I'm Paige."

Paige, I smiled staring down at my bare stomach, it reminded me of boys in pageboy haircuts, knights and castles and wizards. All these things that can't possibly be real and Rath cruelly teased me for daydreaming about and beat me up when ever he found me reading. He beat me up so many times, but she had skin like a princess should have, completely sheltered like she'd been locked in a tower all her life, and I wanted to rescue her.

"I'm a Social Worker." That phrase frightened the hell out of me. Combined with 'I'm here to help you,' it's surely bad news.

"I'm okay." I turned away, trying to stand. She reached out and touches my arm. She's fucking here to rescue me! I want to be there for her. With the touch, skin on skin, something crackles between us. I have to do this. I don't care if she's a stupid social worker. I have to see if it's real. I can deal with her rejection. She won't do it; I have to. It's all one move, so fast she doesn't have time to pull away. My arm goes around her, pulling her into me. My other hand goes to her face, guiding her lips to mine. I'm kissing her shocked passive lips and there's nothing; I was stupid; imagining destiny like my counterpart did too often, unable to see the love that was there. But… she's not pulling away. Her lips are moving against mine, she's kissing me back… _I love her, I can't believe I just thought that, oh goddess… a car, anger, flashing white light, confusion, pain, an explosion, fear, overwhelming pain-loss-guilt… two sisters, missing a third, unwanted, untrusted, unworthy, so lonely…_

I let her go. She stared at me and reached slowly up and touched her mouth.

"Who are you…?"

"Ava."


	2. 2 Paige

2. Paige

She kissed me, she kissed me, she kissed me. I can't think anything else. Oh, there we go, thought processes have returned, she kissed me, no! You can control it. She kissed me, (smile), happy, so happy, so pretty. Get a hold of yourself Paige. What are you doing? Look at the facts… pretty… no! Homeless. Ouch, I had to think of that one first. I can… take her to a shelter. No! I want her. Home? No way, Piper would kill me. My office, yeah, no one's there now she can stay there tonight and over the weekend. Yes. I have her to myself for two days before I have to decide what to do with her.

"Ava… that's gorgeous." Hey, it's better than your thoughts at the moment… pretty… oooh, very intelligent girl, come on, straighten up, think, focus, kiss me again, tell me you saw what I saw, felt what I felt. You're so hurt; you want to protect me. Let's look out for each other, okay? I think I love you.

"Thanks," she smiled at me. She smiled! I love her so much. God, control yourself Paige. Office. Get her to the office, and have your way with her! No! No! Paige, bad, bad, focus. Okay.

"Are you all right? Do you have a place to go?" That flash of fear crossed her face again. Why does she have to be so afraid of me?

"No, no home. I'm fine here."

"No you're not."

"I should know. I've lived under the subway my whole life. This is quality!"

Oh god. Homeless, so homeless, she doesn't want me. She's shaking. She doesn't look cold. Oh … she wants me to care about her as her, not as a case, oh.

"Have you had… dinner?" it's past two AM, I guess it's still dinner.

"You're not taking me to a shelter."

"No, just, out. I'll take you out. I had dinner around four. I could eat something…" come on, smile back, you can do it, yes!

"Okay," she's smiling. I love it when she smiles. What should I do? I know, walk out, how? Okay hand, reach out, pray she'll take it. Her fingers weave through mine.

Sexy smile. I want to kiss her. I can't let her know that I'm a witch; she already hated the fact that I was a social worker. Good, you've gotten over wanting to fuck her, don't use such language it your head. Make love to her? No, more hot than that. Sleep with her? Too unimpassioned. Have sex? Too technical. Do her? Too objectified. I want her. Stop. Focus. Food, taking her out, on a date. It's a date. Oh!


	3. 3 Ava

3. Ava

There's just something about this girl. She's special. There's something different in her: white sparkles in her mind. I want to kiss her again. The cable cars are so much better than the subway. She took me to a wonderful restaurant and bought me her favorite thing and it's so easy being bossed around like that, and if I ever made a motion towards no she halted and backtracked as fast as she could. She didn't force me; it seemed she cared about what I wanted. My Paige, as sweet as you can get, but so tough, with secrets that make you so sad. I've got secrets too, darling, crazy secrets, awful secrets, would you look at me that way if you knew?

"Where are you going to sleep tonight?"

"I was doing fine in the warehouse."

"And I'm just going to bring you back there and leave you where you can just disappear and leave me?"

"I wouldn't."

"My sisters don't like company. You don't want to know what happened to the last person who stayed over."

"Maybe I do?"

"Trust me."

"I know I can do that."

"Really, even though I'm an evil social worker?"

"Don't say that! It's frightening."

I never thought I'd be dating a Social Worker. I'm dating her. She's… am I obviously drooling, god, don't be like Tess; don't want what you can't have. Don't get desperate. Don't love too hard.

"It's Friday night, you could stay over at my office."

"Sure." I wasn't exactly paying attention, at least not to what she was saying. I was paying very close attention to how her hair fell across her face.

She made me a bed behind her desk from blankets and things that seemed to appear out of nowhere, and she gave me her address and her phone number. Then I walked her to the door. She was so nervous. She had finally decided just to go when I slipped my arms around her waist. She wasn't going to go with nothing. I knew she wanted it. I wanted to make it good, make it a memory, but don't try to hard. I always try to hard. The fact that my hand unwittingly snuck up her shirt meant nothing, really. I freaked her out. Great.


	4. 4 Paige

4. Paige

Okay, I didn't expect that. I can't say I didn't like it, but it's all going too fast. I need time, to understand this, these crazy feelings. How do you know if someone's the one, or if it's just crazy lust? I shouldn't have run. She probably thinks I hate her. I couldn't let her any closer or I would have ended up inside that bed I conjured. She's not a slut. I know she's not a slut. Please, why does she have to be so gorgeous? Why isn't she just any client? Why do I have to be in love with her? I want her here now. You have to control yourself, you can't just orb into her arms in the middle of the night. God, it's four o'clock Piper will murder me. I hope she's asleep.

"Paige."

No such luck. There she is, eyeing me as she leans slightly back with her arms crossed, her eyes slitty and black.

"Yes mommy."

"Don't sass me. Where were you?"

"I went out to dinner."

"It's four in the morning!"

"It was a late dinner."

"Call if you're going to be that late!"

"I didn't know. I was going on a job and I met someone, we went for dinner."

Phoebe has to wander up rubbing her eyes, I swear, sometimes I feel like I live in a boarding house.

"Why were you raiding the linen closet? It's almost empty."

"Will you stop interrogating me! I just want to go to bed."

"If you're so innocent explain yourself."

"It was for work."

"Fine, but I want real answers in the morning, I am going to bed."

"Good."

"Me too."

I can't sleep. I don't want her to hate me. I can't just orb over and see her. I want to. Maybe just see if she's asleep.

Okay, just peep out. She's asleep. She's so sweet, so peaceful when she's sleeping. I want to touch her face, there's just a strand of pink-streaked hair, I could just brush it aside, like this… so soft, kiss her, just kiss her. Don't wake her up, just one kiss, ohhh, uh oh, blinking: get out of here.

Maybe I can sleep now.


	5. 5 Ava

5. Ava

I hope that she's coming. I hope I didn't scare her away. It's almost eight. If she doesn't get here soon I'm going to try to find her and explain. Fifteen more minutes, okay, then I'm out of here. I want to see her so badly. I hear a car. It's her, she drove, didn't sparkle like last night. Who's that?

Long dark hair, dark eyes, looks angry. Oh good, she's driving away. All right, she's back. She looks nervous. What do I say? I didn't mean to feel you up.

"Hi."

"Hi." I want her to be smiling again. She's so pretty when she smiles. Okay, reach out to her, make her feel safe on this tightrope we're walking. Take my hand. Smile, just a little bit. Oh! Hugging me! Happy! She's so soft… mmm…

"So, who was the woman who dropped you off?"

"That's Piper," Paige makes a humorous half grimace with a smile, "she's my sister, my half sister really. I live with her, and my other half-sister, and occasionally Piper's husband."

"Wait, what's your other half-sister's name."

"Phoebe?" Paige says hesitantly.

"That is so bad! That is as bad as it can get!"

"They had another sister, her name was Prue, for Prudence."

"Ouch. What's your last name?"

"Matthews, not that bad. Theirs is Halliwell, What's yours?"

Uh oh, I'm totally blank, what's mine? What should I say? She reads my face.

"Pretend I never asked."

"It's okay. I'll make one up eventually. Call me Parker for now."

"Parker?"

"It's the name of a friend of mine. The last name."

"What's the first name?"

"Liz."

"Were you…"

I cut her off, "we were just friends, if that, we could have been friends, maybe."

"Do you have any family?"

"Had." I walk over to her desk and sit in her chair. She sits on top of the desk and takes my hand. I look up at her.

"They weren't my real family, but they were all I knew all my life. I was the youngest, and they raised me. There was Zan," I breathe a few times, "his sister Vilondra, and Rath."

"Zan? He was special to you?"

"I lived for him. And then they killed him."

"Who?"

"Rath and Lonnie."

"The other two?"

"Yes. I didn't want to go with them, so they found… my estranged twin sister. They took her instead. I stayed with Liz. She was confused. She was in love with the same guy my twin liked and they were fighting over him, but she was also very attracted to my twin. She was confused, but very nice."

"This is sounding…"

"Far-fetched? It's the truth, just, only the basic ideas of what happened, and, well, she isn't exactly my estranged twin, but close enough."

"Okay. You haven't asked me any hard questions yet."

"Should I?"

"What kind?"

"How about, can you bring someone with you when you sparkle out of existence?" I think she managed to go even paler, but really, her jaw dropped. If she had just looked confused I would have put it off as a dream, but now I know, it wasn't.

"How did you…?"

"Last night, I thought I saw you, I guess I did."

"Yeah, you did, and, I can take people with me."

"Cool."

"You're not weirded out?"

"Not at all, well, what are you?"

"I'm a witch, half white-lighter."

"What's that?"

"They're kind of guardian angels. They orb, sparkle out of existence, in that very nice way you put it."

"Thank you. No wonder you're a social worker." I make a yuck face. It's a reflex. She laughs.

"Why are you taking this so well?"

"Do you want to see what I can do?"

"Sure."

She has a metal pen on her desk. I put it down on its base and carefully turn it into a spiral. I stretch it out into an arc like a swan's neck. She's staring. I pick it up and write with it. It still works. I'm good.

"It's, witches don't, what…" she stammers.

"I'm well, I'm half alien."

"You're what?" She starts laughing.

"No, really. Alien."

"If witches exist there can't be aliens."

"Why not? I didn't know they were mutually exclusive."

"Maybe they're not." She picked up the pen and twirled it in her fingers. "Way cool."

"Witches and white-lighters cool too."

"I'm also a member of the Charmed Ones."

"Are you trying to one up me now? Well in my past life I was the queen of my planet."

She's laughing. I'm in love with her. Witches, I knew it.


	6. 6 Paige

6. Paige

An alien, what could be better? I'm crazy about her. She has masses of history, old boyfriends, estranged twins, murdering friends, but I don't care. I really should, but she doesn't care that I'm a witch. She wants to Orb with me. Everything's so great. We are totally going to hang out all day, and I'll take her to P3 tonight, or, maybe somewhere else. Piper has to meet her sometime. I'm not sure how happy she'll be about it. Somehow I don't think she'll like it at all. She won't like my gorgeous girlfriend with the piercings and dyed hair, who's staying in my office, oh, staying in my office.

"Do you want a shower?" She looks surprised. I guess I did change topics pretty quickly, pretty, what a funny word she's pretty pretty…

"I don't think I'm… ready for that yet." What? What does she mean? Oh, oh god, stupid!

"No! No I just meant… for you, since you probably haven't had one in awhile…"

I hate all this talking around the subject, feeling nervous, she's blushing now, what are we?

"I, I'm sorry, I thought… I didn't understand…"

Why does she look like a beaten puppy? Hug her; did I reject her again?

"Hey, it's fine, not that I wouldn't want to shower w-with you." Did I just say that? Well, it's true, what does she think, ooh, even more blush I think she's smiling, should I kiss her? Does she want me to kiss her? I want to kiss her. Goddess… I can't believe how soft her lips are. Her lip ring tickles against my lower lip. I just want to eat her up, close my mouth over hers and bite into her like angel food cake. Must not, no you cannot chew on her shoulder. Control yourself, you freak. Is she the one? I've never, felt this way, this much. Ooh, better than angel food cake…

"What are you doing?" She lifts my chin. Why did I have to lose control like that? She's so yummy.

"I, I um, you're yummy." I had to say that didn't I?

"Hey, don't push it." She doesn't look like this is a thing she often says, yup, she's blushing again. She looks like she wants something. Why am I so stupid? Why can't I think what? Maybe…

"I'll orb you to my house, you can take a shower there." Phoebe's at work, Piper's gone to P3 to set up for a party tonight. Leo wasn't there last night, safe. She's smiling, but she still looks like she wants something. Oh fudge.


	7. 7 Ava

7. Ava

Wow, she's the strangest girl I have ever met. I'm in love with her, but what do I say? The reason that I'm taking it slow is because I don't want it to be like every other relationship I've had. I don't want to sleep with her and then get dumped. I want her forever, so I'm not being easy. Is that what's right? I don't want to chase her away either. I liked her mouth on my shoulder, but it was so forward. I tried that and it scared her. I'm so confused.

She's going to orb with me. What am I do her? Can she say she loves me? What am I going to wear?

Her fingers slip between mine, and my entire body starts tingling; then it's like I'm made of moths flying madly around a light bulb. I catch a glimpse of a place between. It's more like a feeling of complete emptiness and freedom, like I could fly, but always there's warmth beside me, keeping me safe…

My legs buckle underneath me and I fall to the hardwood floor of a bedroom. She's kneeling in front of me, solicitous and worried, not afraid to touch me.

I love you. I want to say it. I want to wrap my arms around her and press her close, so close she becomes part of me and will never leave me, 'cause I've felt the emptiness before, and I never want to feel that way again.

Am I too needy? What if it's just fun for her? How can I need her this desperately? I thought I was going to be able to survive on my own, but I don't want to be on my own. I want to trust again, to feel safe…

"Are you all right?"

"Do you love me?"


	8. 8 Paige

8. Paige

Oh my god, oh my god, oh goddess. What's going on? I am so not in control anymore. Do I love her? Can I commit to that promise? Hold on, wait, don't leave. She's leaving! Grab her hand.

"Yes." Maybe it's just to make her stay. I don't want it to be just to make her stay, but I don't know. How do you know? How can you tell if it's true love? But she has to stay. I can't let her go. If she leaves it'll feels like a part of me has been torn out, even when she looks at me like she doesn't trust me it's like I've been gored in the stomach. Do I love her?

"Hey, you gonna take that shower? You can wear some of my clothes."

She nods, staring at the ground. I shouldn't have lied to her. She knows I lied to her. What do I say? 'No, I don't love you, but please stay because I really enjoy making out with you.' She'll hate me whatever I say, even if I say if you leave you'll take a piece of me with you. How can I belong to her? I've known her for… it's ten now, since two, for eight hours. If I said that, she'd understand, but she still wouldn't understand, and okay, clothes, what does she want? Why does she want me? I'm not good enough for anyone. She looks like she's been hurt so much, I don't want to hurt her. What did I do? Why can't I just be in love with her? What does being in love feel like? How do I know if I'm in love with her or not? Why don't I think I am? God, I'm so confused. I need to protect her. Is that the White-lighter in me speaking or is it just caring about her? I hate all these questions. I'm going to protect her, and try to make her happy, she knows my secrets and I'm not worried at all, I'd trust her… I have entrusted her with my life, and I think… she has with hers.

That's why she's so desperate isn't it. I could betray her and have her killed, or… studied, dissected, oh goddess!

"You're going to be all right, I love you; I love you so much." I'm holding her as close as I can, and I mean every word I'm saying. I love her, I really do. What else is it? What can make me feel like this but being madly in love with her? She's my baby, she's soft and she's holding me back, and I just know it, I'm going to love you until the day I die, and possibly afterwards as well, no, definitely. You're safe here. You're mine.

She's trying to extricate herself. I can't do anything right, can I?

"I think I could use that shower." I still don't completely understand her. Who am I kidding? I hardly get her at all, but she's going to be naked in my house, ooh, stop it! You keep on dropping the emotional, mental connection for the physical. She's going to shower and you are going to take her out for lunch. She is totally going to have shrimp toast, and I want to talk to her. I want to understand, so I don't screw up like this too many more times.


	9. 9 Ava

9. Ava

I could sit here with her arms around me forever, just perched on the edge of the wharf watching the waves. I would stay here if she wanted to, having her seem a part of me for eternity. I've lost so many that I couldn't bear losing her too. No matter how close she is, sometimes I still feel alone, and I can tell she does also. I don't know how to fix that. It's like there's an invisible wall in between us. I can't tell what she's feeling and I'm empty again, but when she's holding me like this I can feel her emotions running into me, filling me up, warming me inside and out. The connection is heady and thick, like rich spiced wine and I want her to go on touching me forever, but she's whispering in my ear, "you want to go dancing?"

I'd love to see her try to get me into an over 21 place. I don't think she's too much more than 21, but I'm younger than her and I don't think she's realized that yet, plus the lack of any sort of ID or even a high school education. I know the streets. I can get myself into a bar easily, though I don't use my powers often. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't have the right to fool people and mess with their minds. I don't feel entitled to whatever I want, not like Tess. Do I even deserve this? Of course I don't. How can someone deserve to be held like this? It's a blessing. We're walking, but she's still holding me close. I hope she feels as safe as I do.

There are white sparkles in the air. Two people form in front of us.

"Paige!" the girl says, "A warlock has… who's she?"

"I'm Ava, can all of you do that sparkly thing?"

The two people look at me, them they turn their fierce gazes to Paige. Their gazes aren't the fiercest, but still, on the young man with laugh lines and the wide-eyed worried looking girl they're pretty scathing.

"Uh, ee, um, she found out on her own, I didn't tell her, but it's cool, really, we can trust her."

"We can't tell anyone Paige, you can't just trust anyone who feels safe."

"I didn't tell her, it was an accident, but it's all right."

"You're lucky I'm not Piper, she would explode you both."

"Then you'd have to search for another sister all over again."

"Don't joke about this, Paige. I guess we'll live with it for now. There's a warlock who's kidnapping an innocent who has witch power, planning on draining her."

Paige turns to me, "this is Phoebe, and that's Leo, Piper's husband. I told you about them, right?" I nod. "Leo's a full white-lighter, he can orb like me. Phoebe can't, she rides, like you did."

Phoebe's mouth dropped open, "you orbed with her?"

"She wanted to."

"Fabulous."

"Um," Leo spoke up, "we should be getting to the innocent now."

"Let's go then." Paige grabbed my hand and took Leo's. Leo took Phoebe's.

"What!" She exclaimed, "We're taking her?"

It's more businesslike this time. We nip right past the emptiness and I cling to Paige, but I don't fall. We land in a warehouse like where Paige found me. A girl is tied in a chair and a man stands behind her, his hands on the sides of her head. I can help here. He sees us and turns, readying his arm. I reach out and blind his mind to us. He looks around confused. Phoebe throws a vial at him, he explodes.

"That's so much easier with Piper, but no, she had to work yadda yadda yadda."

"It was really easy, strangely easy, like he didn't even see us." Paige glances at me. I try to look innocent. I'll tell her eventually, but not around everyone else. They don't trust me already, and knowing about my power won't help at all. Leo goes to untie the girl, but Paige just says, "rope," and the rope is in her hand. I think she's showing off, for me. I like that. She's sweet. Leo holds his hands over the girl's face and a white light shines from them. She starts to wake up.

"What? What's going on?"

"Are you all right? We found you here."

"Kylie? Oh Goddess…"

"Phoebe?" The girl sits up and looks at her, "what did you do to your hair?"

Phoebe acts the codfish for a few moments. Her mouth opens and closes, and opens and closes, finally she shakes it off.

"It's a long story," she pauses to look amazed and bewildered, "it went through a lot, what, what are you doing here?"

"Well, not planning on being kidnapped and seeing _you_ again surely, not that it's a bad thing, the seeing you, not the kidnapping bit, I came for my brother's wedding, but that's boring, seeing you isn't boring."

"Ky…"

"Hey, I just never expected to see you again, you look, like life threw you a curve ball. Are you doing okay? I haven't seen you in forever. I missed you."

"I missed you too."


	10. 10 Paige

10. Paige

Who's this? What's going on? Phoebe knows this girl. She's so tense, it's like they were lovers. Maybe I'm reading too much into this. Everyone has suddenly become gay. It's not that surprising for me. I've always admired cute girls, none have ever been interested in me before, that's all, but it is very nice to be interesting. I really don't know much about my sisters' pasts. She's probably just a friend that she lost contact with. They're not saying; "after we broke up, or I miss sleeping with you," stop! Paige, they're just friends, stop making things up.

"Do you know how I got here? The last thing I remember was getting in the limo with my assigned date to go to the rehearsal dinner… the dinner! How late am I? My brother is going to be so worried." She looks frantically around, but she's not wearing a watch.

Phoebe touches her shoulder, "it's eight thirty, what time were you supposed to be there."

"Eight, I'm not too late."

"Where's it supposed to be?"

"The Hilton."

"That's not far, we can run and catch the cable car."

"Okay, but you have to come with, I appear to be lacking a date."

"Sure."

Maybe I wasn't reading into this. Phoebe helps Kylie out of the chair. Her knees buckle a bit and her arms go around Phoebe's shoulders. I can feel it, the pain fear and insecurity that wells out from them. They're not saying something, and it's something important. Ava slips her hand into mine. 

"They hurt each other a lot," she whispers, "do you know her?"

I shake my head slightly and then turn towards her.

"We can go now." She nods and slides her arm around my waist. It feels like more than an arm. It feels like an entire wall has wrapped around me, protecting me from anything outside. She smiles up at me and the extestential loneliness dissipates immediately.


	11. 11 Phoebe

11. Phoebe

What's she doing here? I thought I'd never see her again after I left New York, after I screwed everything up, and here she is, and she's so gorgeous, and I am so not over her. How can I not be over her? I've been married and widowed since I saw her last. I've become a famous advice columnist, I've gone evil, I've lost a sister. I didn't even have magic when I knew her. If I had I might have never lost her, but she's back. What do I do?

"Are they together?"

"Huh?"

"Those girls who were with you. Are they, dating?"

"No…" huh, she was acting kind of funny, that might explain… "maybe? I really don't know. That was the first time I met the punk girl, Ava, I think her name is."

"She's cute." What? Why'd she say that? I… "Pheeb, I don't want to lead you on. It's great to see you again, but we can't get back together."

Oh, I guess she's right; I blew it. I so blew it. She's right.

"I understand."

"That doesn't mean you agree."

"I know I messed everything up…"

"We're not the same people anymore. I can tell you've changed, a lot, and I don't know who you are anymore. I want to know, so I'd like to hang out with you while I'm here, and I don't want to lose touch again. I've been thinking about you lately. It's not all your fault."

She hasn't changed. I love just letting her voice wash over me as she talks on, jumping from subject to subject, glossing over the hard stuff, but her voice occasionally cracking with the pain. What am I going to tell her? Cole, Charmed, anything? She's a lost witch. Can I even tell her that?

"What am I?" She starts again, "are we exes or just old friends? Because I am going to meet your sisters."

"You met one, the girl with dyed orange hair is my half-sister Paige."

"You never talked about her."

"I never knew her, she just came into our lives last year."

"So there's four Ps now?"

"No, just three, there's only ever three."

"But there's Piper and, Prue right?"

"Prue's gone."

"Gone? As in?"

"Dead, she's dead."

Her face goes white. The bright lights in her aura drop suddenly. She's shaking her head slowly, like she's trying to bring the information inside her head.

"How can I do this to you?"

"What?"

"I just summon pain for you, right? I'm like a lightning rod. I come in and bang, bang, bang all the awful things that have happened to you are channeled straight back into your head. What other traumas do I remind you of?"

"Having to vanquish my husband."

"You've lost me. Do I even want to know?"

"I can't tell you. All I can say is that it's a good thing to see you; no matter how many bad things come back you are not one of them."

"You were married?"

"Yeah, for maybe a month or so."

"He hurt you." How can she know me so well? "Not physically, but he hurt you a lot, and he made you feel like you weren't worth it."

"Ky…"

"And I'm helping him, saying I'll never love you again. It's not true. I still love you. I will always love you. I just don't think it can work. You're so hurt, and I need too much." 

I want to kiss her again, but she turns to the rail and leans over the edge. I want to just put my arms around her, but I'm too scared, so I lean next to her, and she kindly, surreptitiously takes my hand.


	12. 12 Kylie

12. Kylie

I'm shutting her out. With one mouth I'm saying 'I love you' and with the other 'go to hell.' It was so shocking seeing her. Just last night I had cried because I had to go to the wedding with some man my brother had picked out, and not her. Now she's here. What happened? It's like magic, everything about her is like magic; it always was. She looks hurt and anxious now, she never used to. She used to be a firecracker, as wild and intense as me, entirely carefree. I only got a hint of what changed her, but it sounds awful. I wish… I wish we could start again. I would show her that she didn't need to be so possessive, promise to her, have her trust me, and we'd never go down this road, never lose each other for four years, and she wouldn't have lost herself in all that pain.

"This is the stop." She gently squeezes my fingers.

"You're my date for tonight, right?"

"If you want me to."

"I do." I could love her no matter how she's changed. I just don't want to make another mistake. She's still beautiful even if she managed to electrocute her hair and dip it in a vat of abrasive chemicals, but I can't let that decide for me. Being taller she always walks me into places, my hand resting on her arm, but she's unsure this time, and that's the whole problem. She was never unsure of anything when she was my girl, until she started being unsure of me, and that's why we broke up. She has to be certain of my love, otherwise she's not mine anymore, which she isn't, so stop thinking that she is. She escorts me into the dining chamber.

"We're so sorry we're late. We hope we didn't worry you." They didn't care whether I was dead or alive! They're just going about their dinner happy and chatting, not giving a thought to me, trapped in a warehouse somewhere. My brother looks shocked. Is it that I got here at all, or the girl on my arm?

"Everyone, this is my date: Phoebe Halliwell." My brother looks like he is trying to shoot flames out of his eyes. He always thought my preference for girls disgusting, especially after I stole his girlfriend in high school, but he signals the attendant for two chairs, and we join them. I keep a tight hold on Phoebe's hand. I can feel something strange at this table, a serious dislike, verging on hatred surrounding us. They're all my brother's friends. I don't know any of them. I even just met his fiancée yesterday. I don't like her much. Phoebe's breathing starts increasing its rapidity exponentially, she pushes out her chair and stumbles backwards, pulling me up with her. Then she drags me out of there. She doesn't even stop in the lobby. We make it three blocks down before she stops.

"Phoebe, what's going on?" She doesn't answer; she just wraps her arms around me and hugs me close; nice, but not answering why we fled my brother's rehearsal dinner. "Phoebe," I kiss her cheek, "it's okay, calm down, idiot." I used to call her that, it was an endearment.

"We need to talk, far away from here. Let's just walk towards my house and I'll tell you on the way."

"All right, start now." She takes my hand firmly and leads me down the street.

"This all started right after I left New York and came back here." She pauses and thinks, then she starts up again. "Let me ask you a question. Do you believe in magic?" She's way too serious. I'm thinking she's going to say that there is magic, and I think I better believe her.

"Yes."

"Good, because I'm a witch."

"All right." Not implausible. I knew she was magic.

"And there are demons. We save people from demons, that's…"

"Wait, we?"

"My sisters are witches too."

"Mhmm"

"That's how we found you. You had been kidnapped by a warlock who was going to suck your magic out of you."

"My magic?"

"Yeah, you're a witch."

"Okay, now I'm having doubts. I'm not a witch, shouldn't I know that?"

"There are a lot of lost witches. I didn't know I was a witch until I broke the binding spell on our powers, after I came back here."

"I am putting this in the accepting waiting room in my mind until I can assimilate it."

"And your brother is a warlock. All his friends are warlocks. He sent the man to kidnap you, and he wants your power and he wants to kill you. The food he was going to have us brought was drugged. He would have sucked our powers and killed us, and I know this because I have premonitions."

"Oh." That pretty much sums it up. There is a conspiracy against me and my brother is planning on murdering me. My ex-girlfriend is a witch and so am I. Does any of this sound implausible to you!?

"I'm going to take you home. We can protect you."

"Phoebe."

"What?"

"You know me. Stop using the royal we, okay. Calm down, I trust you. Maybe I don't believe you, but I trust you. Take me where you want me to go. You're still my girl, even if you're not anymore."

"Where we're going… let me feel out Piper first before I ever was your girl. Is that okay."

"That was a somewhat involved sentence, but I was never your girlfriend, is that right?"

"That's right, until I give the world. Then my sister can deal."

"I thought Piper was like your best bud?"

"Well, she's the older sister now. I changed too, but I really don't know how she'll deal. She hasn't ever had an inkling before."

"I'm your dirty little secret."

"No… yes. I never got up the nerve to say that I was… to say it."

"To say that you were screwing a girl."

"Over."

"Don't hate yourself. I don't hate you, you didn't screw me over, there was just a lack of communication and things fell apart. That's what things do."

She wraps her arms around me again.

"You're so wonderful. That's why things fell apart. You were too perfect and I didn't feel worthy."

"You got scared I was going to find someone better than you. Idiot, it's been four years. I still haven't."


	13. 13 Paige

13. Paige

It was great. We danced, and drank soda, and made out and I got sloshed just on her. She told me how old she was. That got kind of scary. Especially when she did it chronologically. It's kind of strange to know the girl you like hatched, from a pod, at approximately age seven, and therefore is only chronologically ten years old, thirteen years younger than you. But age isn't chronological, it's mental and hormonal and legal. I'm rationalizing. Why don't guys have this problem, they can fuck a girl younger than their daughter and not care. She's a good kid. I could pick some things up from her. She doesn't drink because alcohol does strange things to her species. She didn't use the word species, but it keeps coming into my head. She's not like me, but I like her, either there's something wrong here or there's something terribly right, and I can't even think about telling Piper. Somehow I think she'll react badly, especially to the alien part, and the having told her about the witch part. I don't even want to broach the homeless part, but I'll do it for her. I'd do anything for her.

She has me in her lap and is playing with my hair and occasionally kissing the back of my neck. What can I do? Sometimes you just fall, and I fell hard. When she's close to me I feel whole, like I haven't felt since my parents died.

Am I going to make her sleep in my office again? I want to bring her home, but not sleep with her. It's too soon, when there's no future I don't care how soon the relationship gets physical, but I want this to last. I don't think I could stand losing her… I'm going to take her to P3 and have her meet Piper, tonight; I have to. I have to make this legitimate somehow, I have to prove my promise that I love her, and I want her for more than a one-night stand.

There are sirens outside. She tenses up and clings to me. I turn and hold her.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she whispers and buries her face in my shoulder. I suppose we all still have our secrets. I push her hair away and run a finger down her jaw then kiss her cheek.

"I want to take you to my sister's club. I want you to meet her."

"The one who dropped you off this morning?"

"Yeah, Piper."

"So this is kind of like meeting your parents."

"Somewhat."

"We can just be friends if you want, for her."

"I want to tell her that I'm madly in love with you, well, I wanted to tell you that too, but definitely not the alien thing, not yet, I don't want her to go berserk and try to blow you up."

"God forbid." Why'd she say that? I don't presume that she is in the habit of praying often. There's something in her eyes right now that's so inaccessible. Sometimes she's a child, easy to play for sweets, and sometimes she's two lifetimes and a million light-years away. I feel so open and honest in comparison. "I don't want you to have to rush into anything, so you don't have to tell her yet."

"But I don't want you to have to sleep in my office again."

"It's fine and… and, you ain't getting any."

She has such a hard time saying that. I think she's the same as me. It's too easy to say yes to the ones who wont last and too easy to seem easy to the ones you want to keep.

"I'd wait forever for you. If I can control my impulses." I bite at her shoulder. She fake-slaps my cheek and her fingers slide down to my mouth. One slips inside. I suck on it gently. She eases it out and lets it make a wet trail down my chin. I slide the spaghetti straps of my shirt that she is wearing off her shoulders and drop kisses down her chest.

"Um," there's a polite cough that I don't hear, "uh, Paige." There is a gentle tap on my shoulder.

"Let me deal with this." A hand grabs my shoulder and wrenches me off of Ava. I find myself staring in the face of a not little annoyed Piper.

"If this was my club I'd have the bouncer kick you out."

"Hi, we were just going to see you."

"We? Who is she and how much does she know?"

"Pretty much everything."

"Paige!"

"Look, it wasn't a mistake. I know it."

"Fine, but Phoebe has a problem, and since it involves a battalion of warlocks we need your help, power of three and all that. I'm working on a mass vanquishing potion and then some way to deliver it."

"Maybe a spray bottle?" I look at Ava. So does Piper. "Or a hose of some kind?"

She smiles at the floor.

"Lets go then. Piper, this is Ava, my girlfriend."


	14. 14 Piper

14. Piper

How can she do this? Oh I'm so happy; I'm in love. I have a girlfriend. What's wrong with that? Is it that easy for you? Oh I have a little blonde harlot all over me, isn't she cute? Haven't you ever been afraid? Leo's safe. There're some things you try once and then know better. I tried girls once. I know better. They're dangerous and familiar, kind yet untrustworthy. That's what I liked about them. I always enjoyed a challenge. She was my first defeat.

Leo's safe. I love him, but he's safe, and that's the problem. He's so safe and nice that he can't understand that I like the danger. He'd never understand if he knew that I sometimes imagine soft flesh against mine, but I'd never tell him. I'd never tell anyone. I told her, I told her everything, and I learned. You never open up. Always be hard and you'll always be safe. Everyone will betray you in time, so never tell your secrets, that's just betraying yourself. No one has too know that I watch girls dancing at P3, no one has to know that there's one girl I flirt with, but don't even know her name, no one has to know that I got used by a girl in high school. I'm married now. That's all the public needs to know. That's all Leo needs to know.

What I need to know is how much this girl knows and how soon we can get rid of her. No matter how much Paige likes her she isn't one of us, and she doesn't know what it's like to hide something all the time.

Also Phoebe decides this is a good time to introduce me to an old friend from New York, whom she never told me about, tell her everything, and inform me that she is being hunted by a party of warlocks. Is there no rest for the wicked? At least she found someone semi-normal, discreet, friendly, a lost witch, not a pierced up slut with boots and a victim complex. At least Phoebe has the grace to pretend that they're just friends though I could read their hot tense auras a mile away. The weird slut-boots girl doesn't even have an aura, even stranger. Paige is madly infatuated with her. This isn't going to be good. Let's see… they sleep together, they have a fight, slut-girl walks out; Paige chases and finds her messing around with someone else. Let's see how close it follows.

"All right. I need a way to deliver multiple doses of vanquishing potion quickly. It will eat through anything that's not glass or rock or enchanted to resist. Paige, you said you wanted that one?"

"We can do it."

"Be my guest." She got up whispering with that little harlot who was nodding and looking nervous. Good, she bothers me. She's the kind of girl who would like it when you beat her and then beg for more. Paige doesn't see that; she'll just kill her with kindness, she doesn't have it in her to treat her like she wants to be treated. She's like Leo, sweet and safe. She tries to be bad, but she's not, she doesn't have the fire inside her. It's something about those white-lighters, so pure, so kind, they don't understand the screaming emptiness inside that makes you want your lover to beat you into a pulp just to feel that they're there, that they're real, so you can feel the love.

God, I sound like a masochist, but sometimes hurting makes you remember you're alive.

Leo would never understand. Paige would be horrified. Phoebe just doesn't understand what it feels like to be shut off. Prue might have understood. That girl at the bar knows exactly what I'm talking about.

I don't know her; she doesn't know me. It's easy to tell the truth to a stranger. Once I know her name I'll probably never speak to her again. I don't trust people that I know. I shouldn't trust anyone, but it's so much easier if you can tell someone.

Oh Goddess, it's a perfect pump made out of pure glass. There's something different about this girl.


	15. 15 Kylie

15. Kylie

I can't believe we're going to vanquish my brother. I can't believe those girls have just started necking in front of me. If this goes on for too long I'm going to grab Phoebe, Piper or no Piper. I never had to deal with temptation like this before. She's looking really cute and I can't just kiss her. I never used to have any restraint. It was all about here and now and the heat of the moment. What have I turned into? I used to grab her, and we'd screw in an alley, or a bathroom, or a closet, or on the kitchen table, or on the living room rug, or on the next-door neighbor's sofa when we were cat-sitting. It was so easy; I knew exactly how she'd respond. I could sense when she wanted me, and I knew when she didn't too. I don't know anything anymore. My bitch has another dog's scent around her, and I haven't beaten him in a fair fight. I can't touch her. I'm not allowed to. What's that? You're not allowed to do something? Why the hell ain't you doin' it? You never used to let anyone give you rules, except her, but she's somebody else's bitch now. You can't have her. It's over, get used to it. Get used to seeing her and not being able to kiss her. Get used to forgetting how it felt to have her arms around you. Get used to seeing her with someone else, because you're not her one and only any more. You're never going to touch her again. Fucking get used to it!

I want to cry. Everything was going so well, I knew her so well, why couldn't I tell what was happening? Why didn't I notice?

She's glancing back at me. She wants me, I know she does, but it's over, it has to be over; everything's different now, honey, I loved you, but I can't any more.

We enter the hotel, the royally furnished lobby that Phebn'me had just made such a hasty retreat from. We walked in strong in the support of a few vials of "potion" and the powers of three sisters. This would be the strangest assignment to cover, especially since we're just about to kill my brother. What the hell is going on? I feel like I'm in a cult, or a play, or something not real at all, for god's sake, he's my brother. Maybe he doesn't like me, maybe he has a grudge over what I did to him in high school, but he wouldn't try to kill me, would he?

They're still eating, probably laughing at me, stupid girl. Why am I not in control, I'm used to being in control, but everything's changed now. Why do things have to change? I liked the way it was before.

God, she's taking out the pump, she's turning spraying; they're exploding, burning. One runs at us, Piper throws something invisible at him and he explodes. It's a slaughter. She's pointing the pump at my brother.

"No! Don't! Stop, stop. He's my brother…" I feel something roar out of my fingers, the potion slops against an invisible wall. He's staring at me, his eyes are black; he blinks and he's gone.

"Why'd you do that?" Piper screeches at me, "we had him!"

Phoebe puts her arm around my shoulder. "It's okay," she whispers, "I would have done it too, we'll figure it out later."

I can't take this! I shove her away.

"There is no us, okay? It's so over. I don't know you any more."

I ran, and she didn't come after me. That's what I wanted, right? But she looked so hurt…


	16. 16 Paige

16. Paige

"Great job at keeping quiet sis, and you fooled, who?" Piper mocked her, but she fooled me, well, sort of, I had fooled myself. She loved her, and they messed it up. I tightened my grip on Ava's hand. We weren't going to do that.

She's looking so scared now. She's had a glimpse of my life; who wouldn't be scared?

"Paige, I want to go home."

"Go ahead, we can walk." Phoebe looks at me, silently pleading, but I just wrap my arm around Ava's shoulders and orb us home. She's staring at me, eyes begging for something. I move to close my door, and she's on me, pushing me against the door, kissing me frantically. I turn the lock and hit the light-switch…


	17. 17 Ava

17. Ava

She's asleep. She so kindly rolled to the side. I miss her weight on top of me already. I slowly explore my body, but I can't find any emerging bruises to rub. Not one. She was so gentle, and I'm lonely again. I have no scars with which to recall her love. I knew she was too perfect, so perfect. She has respect for me. She doesn't want to hurt me, and it's killing me. Lonnie was savage. Zan never touched me, but could kill me with a look. Rath never did anything but beat me. I never thought all those scars could heal, but they did. Now I'm alone. My lover beside me and still I'm alone. Fuck you, fuck you all for making me not satisfied with this perfect love. Fuck you for turning me into a masochist. We were the rejects; I know that now. I never had a chance to be normal. I never had a chance to be happy. I hatched this way. Fucked up.


	18. 18 Piper

18. Piper

Why am I such a bitch? I tore Phoebe up all the way home and she went into her room and cried all night. Since Paige and that girl were making other sorts of moaning noises I didn't get to sleep for hours. Leo was probably on another continent. I'm used to sleeping alone, but not while my two sisters' relationships are deteriorating under the same roof. I never knew Paige could be so loud. Her girl only shudders a little occasionally, but whenever Paige lets one out, Phoebe starts sobbing again, even louder than before. I thought I was never going to get to sleep. Finally I put on my headphones and listened to some random eighties rock Leo had lying around. I couldn't stop myself thinking about things though, about, that girl, in the bar. I don't know her name, but I can see her perfectly. I mixed memories, slipping her face over the one that hurt so much. High school is the worst time of your life. Luckily it never spread beyond my grade. Phoebe never found out, Prue had already graduated. I knew it was never going to be anything, but at very least I thought it would be a secret. I thought she would be too embarrassed to tell anyone, but I forgot how these girls can lie, how well they work the grapevine. And I became the weirdo dyke girl, but they didn't know that I was the weirdo dyke girl who had the taste of one of the most popular girls on her lips. Sometimes I can't even believe that I had her, but I did, not even her boyfriend could say that. But I never said it, I was too kind, too naïve. At graduation she apologized, and thanked me. She said she thought I was going to use it on her, so she just wanted to beat me to it. She never knew me, but maybe she knew what I would turn into: a bitch like her.

I thought about that girl with short black hair who smiled like she knew me, like she liked me, who could laugh like the world was her joke and then who could talk seriously about intimate things that I couldn't even share with my husband. Then I looked at the clock. It was almost two o'clock. I got up. I got dressed, tight pants-cropped shirt. I didn't know what I was doing. She wasn't going to be there at this hour, just whenever I felt like going. I almost got undressed again, but I would just go see. Check up on my club. I drove, almost turning back twice, but I got there, and my eyes found her, dancing. She was so gorgeous, and it was like she sensed me, she felt me, and she pulled me onto the dance floor. We danced and drank and talked until six. I said I had to go, and she walked me out to the car. Then she kissed me, and walked away. I could barely make it home.

When I got home I went straight to bed, still in my clothes, and I was awoken three hours later by a few angry words from the next room.


	19. 19 Paige

19. Paige

I wake up and find that Ava has half wriggled underneath me while we slept. Mascara has left black tracks down her face. Why was she crying? I knew I shouldn't have rushed into this, but she started it, and I wanted it, and it just escalated. I want to keep her. Let me keep her, like I haven't been able to keep anyone. I try to move off of her but she whimpers so I climb fully onto her. She wraps her arms around me and purrs a little, my punker angel.

She squirms under me and opens those bluest eyes.

"Hey," she smiles with her mouth, but not with her eyes. I kiss her mouth and tease her lip ring with the tip of my tongue. "Hurt me."

That's what I thought I heard. She whispered it so quietly. Why would she have said that?

"Hurt me." She said it in a wispy voice from the back of her throat.

"What?" I was begging her that she didn't mean what I thought she meant.

She sat up pushing me up in her lap. She took my hand and placed it on her shoulder, covering it with her own she dragged it down. My nails left glowing red lines across her chest.

"No." I climbed quickly out of bed, pulling a sheet around me. Ava pulled her knees to her chest and rocked gently back and forth. She wouldn't look at me. She stroked the lines I had made, re-scratching and darkening each one. I stood there, love shattered around my ankles. It wasn't enough for her, she couldn't feel the kindness; she wanted the pain. I wanted to curl up into a ball and rock like she did, to feel safe, contained, but I wasn't safe. When she had crawled all over me, with the kisses that had gone out of control, when she bit down on my lip hard enough to draw blood, when she marked my body with those nails, when I gave her everything, I had never even tried to hurt her, not even to leave a mark, and that's what she wanted. I can't give her that. I can't…

"No, no, I can't do that."

"It's easy."

"I don't want to."

She slid out of bed and stood in front of me. "I need you to."

She slipped her arms around me. "No, please."

"It's inside of you, just let it out." I shoved her away. She stumbled back. When she regained her balance she grinned at me. "You're not pure angel."

"No! I can't! It's not inside of me."

She slipped her arms around me again. I buried my head in her shoulder.

"You want to. I saw it inside of you, but you won't let it out. It's not wrong to give it. I want to feel you."

"No!" I put everything I had into that. She's so very soft and small; is the darkness inside so far away? She would squirm and writhe and scream. I could make her scream… it's so wrong. How can she ask me to do that?

"Fine, I've never come out without bruises before. It was a new experience. Thank you for that."

"Whore." I spit it at her. How can she say that?

She nods and starts putting on her old clothes. I'm not enough for her. I don't love her. How can you love someone who wants you to hurt them? All I can do is let her go.


	20. 20 Ava

20. Ava

I disgust her. There's nothing else. I'm a grotesque pervert and why was I fooling myself to think it might ever work out anyways. I thought she could take anything. "oh, I'm an Alien." No big, but "oh, I'm a masochist," go to hell. It's epic. Nothing was ever meant to happen. It was a stupid mistake, but here I am, back where I belong, the alleys. Liz picked me up out of the alley for the first time and I thought I deserved better, but who was I trying to fool? Who's that

"ZanÉ" No, not Zan, Zan's dead.

"Max, you're Max, right?

"Ava, I found you, darling.

"Max, what are you talking about?

"I'm not Max, I'm Zan, and I remember everything. We'll get the granolith and use its power to overthrow Khivar. We'll have our lives back. Oh Ava, I love you.

"Max, what happened, what about Liz?

"Liz is nothing to our lifetime together.

"Zan, no, Max, it's not the same.

"Come with me, to the Granolith. You'll remember, and we're going home. The rebels that were fighting Khivar killed him. They want to reinstate the royal four.

What do I do? He's always been so very comfortable with authority, so hard to disobey, and the way he's looking at me There's nothing holding me to this planet, nothing but a single smile I have nothing. She doesn't want me. He does. He's my master. He's all I have.

There's his jeep. We're going back to Roswell. Did I ever really leave?

"What happened to Tess?

"She's dead, but it doesn't matter, because you're the real Ava.

"I'm not, I'm part human too.

"Exactly. She was the reject.

"She wasn't. I know I am.

"But she was, all that destiny bullshit. First I find Liz in Kyle's bed. Then she came back.

"Really?

"Liz said she blew herself up.

"What!

"She blew her self up. I don't believe it. That's not like her. It was all a ploy, but it didn't work. The granolith sent me to you.

"Oh. I don't trust him. He's cold and wooden, kingly, aloof, but there's no way back. Only forward, and forward is with him.

"Do you mind taking those things out. It wasn't a question, and I obeyed automatically. Maybe I should dye my hair brown. He's the man. I can't believe I'm planning on leaving the planet. All Rath and Lonnie ever wanted to do was go home, it was never my dream. I just wanted someone who would love me. It's always what you most want that's what you can never find. All I had was Ava's faded devotion to a man who cared more for his country than his wife, Zan, full circle I suppose. Lonnie's violent "alien sex," Liz's taste of friendship, and then her, Paige, the girl I thought I could love forever, but who never loved me. Now here I am with a man who has no more love. He is just brimming with hate from his betrayals.

No! get off of me, you have no right to touch me! He sees a patch of wriggling scorpions and lets me go. I sleep squeezed between the seats in the jeep. He couldn't find someone who looked like Liz so he chose me. I want to go home. Home? Is she home? I dreamt of her hands, her mouth, her smile, no longer restrained by kindness. I wake and we're driving again, through the desert, route 66, back to Roswell. He's not speaking to me.

"You'll be different when you remember. I grew up with the memories Zan. That's what I've been looking for all my life, but I'm not and I'm not Ava. I'm not Tess either, too proud to admit she made a mistake. I'm a whole person, more alien than human or more human than alien I don't know, but I'm me. I was raised to be a masochist. I was programmed to hunt down love. I was trained to sit down and shut up. Everything in me fought, but I decided I wasn't going back. I wasn't going with them. Where did I get the strength? I loved Zan, but not Max, not even my Zan. I loved the old Zan, the memory of him, but these creatures tainted by humanity could never be him. I had Paige and I let her go. Where was my strength then? Why didn't I fight for her? I need to go back. I need to fight for her, or what's the point.


	21. 21 Kylie

21. Kylie

He appears in front of me. His eyes are still black.

"Sister, thank you. You are kinder than I have ever known." He reaches out for me. Oh Phoebe you idiot, why didn't you run after me?

A flash of black… "Don't you dare touch her!" He thudded against the wall.

"Who are you?" he gasped.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" She tossed her head, shaking her black curls in slinky-like oscillations. With a tiny gesture of her hand, he exploded into black ticker-tape. "Just in time." She turned to me and smiled. 

She's hot.


	22. 22 Piper

22. Piper

Paige threw up from crying too much this morning. I told her to call in sick to work and summon Leo if she needed anything. Phoebe went to work with far too much eye shadow, anyone can tell she's been crying and her eyes were still bloodshot. I hadn't had any sleep either and the guilt was threatening to take me down. She kissed me, oh lord, when someone said a kiss was earth shaking what they meant was a kiss could turn your world out over your ears. I wish I didn't chase danger. I wish everything could be happily ever after, but nothing's that way, and I'm over safe domesticity, I want danger again, I want love and sex and pain, and someone who only wants me, and who wants me every moment of the day. When she kissed me it was like time stopped, and maybe it did. I felt like I remembered us being together in the future, no more inept teenage fumbling, just her, blowing my mind, over and over again. I can't just get lost in thought like that. I have work to do. I'm standing on the top rung of a ladder for god's sake and washing the P3 sign, and there she is, running down the sidewalk in a slinky top and tight black jeans. She clambers up the other side of the ladder and I just stare.

"Piper, hey." She grins at me, and those black curls bounce.

"y-you…" god I can't even get a normal sentence out.

"I'm here on business, so I'm not going to kiss you."

"Uhh…"

"Unless you want me to? It's about your sister." She grins again, kind of shyly, even a little embarrassed, then she leans over the top of the ladder and kisses me. I almost fall off and die, but she keeps me on.

"Which sister?" I murmur like an endearment.

"Phoebe, I have her girlfriend."

"Kylie? Why do you have Kylie?"

"I kidnapped her." What the hell! "actually she came quite willingly. I did keep her from being brutally murdered."

"Her brother came back for her. I should have sent Phoebe after her."

"No worries, I wasn't going to see her mangled body and a soulless Phoebe more than once, and I'm always on time."

"What are you talking about?" She tapped me a few times on the nose.

"I'll see you later baby, or maybe earlier, naw I don't want to entirely screw you up. I'll see you. Maybe naked." She grinned, I stared. Then she kissed my cheek and slid down the ladder. In seconds she was gone. God, am I dating a lunatic?

No not dating never dating. Just making out with occasionally, nothing wrong with that. You know she's crazy, this has got to stop. Stop this now!

I got home and Leo was actually there. He was pacing and when I stepped in he jumped into the air and accosted me.

"We have a new evil."

I grunted, big surprise.

"She's been wanted by the elders for years now, but she escaped by going out of time. They want you to help catch her."

"What did she do?"

"She's a fallen whitelighter. She went insane from the stress. She was actually being considered as your whitelighter until she tried to kidnap you when you were sixteen. She's been spotted in this area of time. The elders think she's after you again. Have you seen her?"

"Who is she? What does she look like? What's her name?"

"Makhi Hudson, she's cute, curly black hair…"

"Oh fuck, oh god, oh fuck, fuck this!"

"Piper!" How could this happen? I figured she was deranged, but wanted by the Elders? Oh god, I have a crush on a psychopathic stalker.

"You've seen her then?"

"She comes to my club. We chat sometimes. She's kidnapped Kylie."

"What? Who has Kylie?" and now enters Phoebe, fabulous.

"Oh no one, just my psychopathic renegade whitelighter stalker."

"Oh that's all right then."

"Did you miss the psycho stalker part?"

"She's after you. She wont hurt Kylie, right?"

"She did save her from a brutal murder."

"See, wait! What murder?"

"Her brother came back for her. Lucky my stalker rescued her."

"Oh…Does she like you?"

"Huh?"

"In that way, you know." God, I'm blushing, I can't stop it, this is unfair!

"Yes."

"What?!"

"Leo, go to hell." Thank you Phoebe. Apparently he can't deal with the fact that someone might not just want to kill me.

"What's going on?" Paige makes her way down the stairs. She looks really crappy. I wouldn't want her as my second in a fight.

"Piper's stalker girlfriend kidnapped Kylie."

"Since when did Piper have a girlfriend?"

"She's not my girlfriend! She kissed me for the first time last night!"

"She's kissed you?"

"Phoebe, stop harassing me!"

"I have a plan."

"This is going to be bad isn't it."

"It'll be fun for everyone. Leo leave." Leo looked worried but wandered out. God, what a worm of a man. No! Don't think things like that. He's great; he's nice; he has respect for our conversations. That insane stalker hottie is making you think that way! Hottie? You're so far gone. Why can't I control my emotions? I can control everything except the feelings I get inside. The feelings that say I want her, I want to trust again.

"It's simple. You seduce her. We sneak in and grab Kylie. You freeze her before it gets too far and Leo will summon the elders and they'll take her in."

I can't do that. I mean what could happen. What if I don't want to freeze her and it… stupid Piper. You can control yourself. Don't start doubting that now. You've always done what you had to do. There's no reason it will stop now, not even with her.


	23. Author's Note

Author's note

Thanks for making it this far. This story has been crazy. I wrote the first 20 chapters or so then put it down and didn't write anything for months. I wanted to write more but I couldn't find the voice, so when I did write it came out really badly. I put those chapters up, but thankfully Zealous-Obsession aided me to see the light, and realize that I was right: they were utter crap. Then at school I looked at the chapters; I copied one and changed the ending, and suddenly it was flowing again. The floodgates burst and I wrote 40 odd more chapters and finished it. it is actually finished, most of the strings are tied up, well, sort of, but it is the end. The characters have progressed and developed, my lame plot has been solved, and most people are unhappy.

Why are you wasting time reading this? Things get interesting now, so go, read. There's plot, and angst, and change of wardrobe ahead!

Alsike


	24. 24 Ava

23. Ava

I touched his mind, as gently as I could. I hate using my powers, but sometimes you just have to change things, just a little, to try and make things right. I wiped this trip from his memory. I took his anger and I softened its edges. He didn't need all this pain. Hopefully the love would be strong enough to fill the holes.

I left him asleep by the side of the road, with no memory of me.

I had walked this road before. It was a long road, but this time it was going towards something, not just away. I thought perhaps eagerness would make me go faster on this road to San Francisco, but dread kept me at my normal pace. But I knew what I had to do. Maybe I'm not human, but I still have to fight for what I need.


	25. 25 Paige

24. Paige

"Paige? Do you feel up to coming? We need you. Power of three and all that."

Jealousy burns, green bile in my heart. It's not fair, she gets another chance, but mine's gone. Why did I have to freak out like that? I mean it isn't normal, what she wanted, is it? Could I have done it? Could I have let go? But what's the point? I'll never know. I scared her off, and that was that. I can't cry forever. I'll have to fight sooner or later.

"I'll come."

"Good, we need you to go get Leo once Piper freezes the whitelighter, and tell him to fetch the elders."

"Her name's Makhi." Piper murmured pensively.

"Piper, you do want to capture her, right?"

I watched Piper tense like a frightened cat. "yes! Of course." She saw our doubt. "she's a lunatic. And, I just need to get this behind me. Lets go."

We scryed for her, and orbed onto a tiny island on the edge of the bay. The house on this island was a mansion. It looked ancient, but new, like a house that had been built yesterday in the same way and same style of 100 years ago. The door opened. We were expected.

We crept into the house. Piper headed upstairs, we crept through a deserted living room and into the kitchen.

"Would you like some lunch?"

Kylie was standing at the counter, making sandwiches.

"What's going on?" Phoebe hissed.

Kylie ignored her and turned to me, "sandwich?"

I took one. It didn't really matter.

"Is Piper walking into a trap?"


	26. 26 Piper

25. Piper

I could feel her. I knew where she was, and as I mounted the stairs my stomach sank. What could I do? Phoebe wanted me to seduce her, but like that was going to happen. I'm not good at lying, or faking something I don't mean. I'd just freeze her. The moment I saw her I would freeze her. I couldn't let anything else happen. I couldn't let her change my mind, not like that other girl. I knew I should have run, but I let myself listen to her pretty words, and did something I would always regret.

When I stepped into the room the door swung shut behind me, and I knew I was in over my head, but I kept walking. I would just freeze her and call for Paige. It wasn't hard or frightening.

I walked through to the next room, and there she was, facing away from me, sitting cross-legged on the bed, playing with a rose. I raised my hands to freeze her, but just then she turned her head and smiled. I felt like I had been frozen.

She bounced off the bed and started towards me. I backed into the wall. She leaned close and her eyes grew dark. "Were you planning on seducing me? Why don't you let me, it'll make it all easier."

"No!" I shoved her away. I wasn't going to fall for this again. I threw out my hands to freeze her. Nothing happened. She just grinned.

"You do know I'm out of time, don't you? That's how I escaped the elders, by wandering out of the course of time. It has no effect on me."

Oh fuck, I'm in for it now. Here's to Phoebe and her foolproof plans.

"Here." She offered me the rose.

"Where's Kylie?"

"Downstairs making lunch. Don't worry, your sisters have found her."

What do I do? The firm image I had of her as a violent maniac is crumbling as I watch her. I take the rose. I don't know what it means, and maybe I still am that girl, so easily used. She's touching my neck, running her fingers along my collarbone, testing the hollow at the base of my throat. How am I supposed to say no to those bright hopeful eyes, and what do I do when they turn dark and seductive, and how do I escape the feeling that I'm fully alive when I'm with her? Fully awake and yet like I'm dreaming. I'm not angry, I'm just not angry anymore. She's so close to me. If I kissed her would I be able to keep this feeling? So I try, it's easy just to take her lips, just like it always was and will be. And she's so soft, I just relax, melt into a pile of goop, just slide into her, nothing forced, nothing needs to be forced anymore.


	27. 27 Phoebe

26. Phoebe

Why isn't she talking to me? She won't even look at me. I'm sorry, dammit Kylie, I'm so sorry. Why didn't I run after her. Why did I let it fall apart in the first place? She doesn't love me anymore. It's funny. Here I am, the famous advice columnist, who can't keep a relationship together to save her life. I can't help myself, I can't help my sisters. Maybe the only reason I'm popular is because my advice is so absurd that people read it just to laugh. But there she is. Sitting on the couch eating tuna fish sandwiches with a like silent Paige. She hates me. Why didn't I run after her? If you know something's right, take it! Isn't that what I always said. Don't let it get away. But no, I had to get mixed up with Cole in the most illogical relationship in the world. I let him go and he came back. He kept coming back. He wasn't in love, he was obsessed, and I got used to freaks like that. 'If they love you they'll come back.' Bullshit! If you love them, you'll come back, you'll fight, but if you don't why should they? How do I do this? Why am I so scared? Does she want me back?

I can't do this. I can't be in love. Look what it does to you. All you have to do is look at Paige and you'll never want to be in love again.

Is Piper all right? Where is she? What's going on?

"I'm going to look for Piper, she might be in trouble."

No one listens to me. Kylie is pretending I don't exist and Paige is too caught up in her own internal misery. 

Fine.

I go up the stairs. The doors locked. I bang on it. "Piper! Are you in there?"

There's no answer. Perhaps the seduction is proceeding as planned. Maybe I shouldn't interfere. She can call Leo when she needs the elders. We can go home. I got what I came for, maybe not everything I wanted but everything I could hope to get. Piper's tough, she can deal with it.

I just want to go home and cry.


	28. 28 Piper

27. Piper

Mmmm, what a dream. I'm so warm, soft… I opened my eyes. My bed, it must have been a dream. But… I reach to the side.

"Morning." Okay, definitely not Leo.

"Makhi…"

"I could go if you want." Her arms slide around me, she kisses her way up my neck. Everything's still coated in sleep induced spider webs. Warm wet kisses… the door handle turns, and she disappears in purple sparkles.

"Piper! You're back."

The world slams into me like a freight train. I pull the covers up and groan.

"What happened? Are you okay?"

"No," I mutter.

"Should I call Leo?"

"No!" I sit up, keeping the covers to my chest.

"Did you get her… did she hurt you?"

"Neither. Do you think you could get me some clothes?"

"You didn't."

I flop back on the bed. "I did, okay! It's not my fault your plan backfired!"

"I told you to stop it before it went too far. Did you not want to stop it?"

"I didn't seduce her! She won't freeze. I was trapped." This is not good.

"You, Piper, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have made you do it."

Good, she's feeling guilty.  I need her to feel guilty, so I don't.  how could I have done that?  Why didn't I fight?

 "What's this." She picks up the rose that had been laying on my pillow. I hung my head. 

"She's sick."

"Piper. . ."  She looks awful, this is the first time I noticed it, just awful.  Her eyes are red, and now she's looking sick.  What did I say?  Oh… fine I'm a bitch, everyone knows that.  I narrow my eyes.

"Where's Kylie?"

She looks sicker.  "She left, she's probably going back to New York."  She glares at me, her eyes fierce and hard,  "not that you care!  Not that you care about me!  You think I'm sick."

"Pheeb, get me some clothes, okay?  In my situation, I have no right to pass judgment on anyone."

Yeah, what right have I with the taste of her still on my lips?  It hasn't stopped me before, but it's different now, it's different when my sister is sad and lonely, with a forgotten past come to haunt her.  God, I'm being melodramatic, but I can't be a bitch all the time.

How could I have?  How could I?  And why doesn't it feel as awful as it is. 


	29. 29 Paige

I can't do this anymore.  I can't not care about life.  I don't know what I'm doing but I have to do something.  I must have loved her, it makes me sick to think that word.  Why is it so frightening, what does it mean. WHAT DOES IT MEAN?  God, I'm scared, I'm scared, so scared, it's not fair.  Why do I feel this way?  Why can't I find anything the way it used to be now that she's gone.  I don't want to admit that she means that much to me.  I don't want to admit that life isn't beautiful and sparkly and colorful now she's gone.  It isn't terrifying either.  I'm so scared of hurting her, and then she wanted me to, and then I hurt her worse than I could physically.  I told her that she was sick and disgusting.  Why will this never work?  Why can't I try?  If I wont try I should just kill myself, there's no point in being miserable forever.  Why can't I look for her?

Wait, what was that?  Look for her.  Where would she go?

I hear Phoebe calling at me.  But I've got my coat, I'm heading out the door.  Why should I stay if I can't live?  What makes the problem unfixable?  I can't give her what she wants, but. . . I can fix her?  You sicko, but I'm going anyways.  I'm going.  I'm not going to give up on this.


	30. 30 Kylie

30 Kylie

So, packing again, just cleaning up my hotel room, getting ready to go home, to go back to the way things were before my past wandered back into my life and applied shock therapy. My idiot's supposed to be the romance therapist. That makes me laugh; it's a good, bitter laugh, thick with the history of pain. But I don't want her back. I decided to go home. I need to go home. I know I was giving mixed signals, I was telling her that I loved her and that I didn't want her in my life. And that's the truth. I love her. I will always love her, but I can't change my life for her. I don't know who she is anymore, and I will not make the effort to find out. I'm going home. I'm doing fine in my life. I don't need the crazy ups and downs of a relationship; I don't need any of this! It doesn't matter that I want it. I've calmed down, I have a real job; I was able to survive without her even enjoy myself without her. I had almost forgotten about her, but then came the wedding, and now my brother's dead. Is it her fault? Is it my fault? Was it my fault for that one time long ago when I seduced his girlfriend? Did that give him this grudge and send him on this road? Am I on the wrong side? Is Phoebe the scourge of the universe and he was rooting out evil? Sometimes I feel like Phoebe is the scourge of the universe, that she made my life hell, that the unbelievable pleasure wasn't worth the pain when she was gone, and it's most definitely not worth how I feel now, no pleasure this time, just more bleeding from a wound that I thought was healed. But she's not enough for me anymore. I can see that she's weak now, that she can't take care of me, but I don't need taking care of, maybe we could go out for coffee, no, you're going home. There's nothing left, your old life was shattered into sand, I want to be her possession. . .

I don't want to cry, but my eyes are burning. I don't want to cry! I haven't cried over her for years, but I'm crying now. Dammit. I'm crying now.

It was so different then, we were both so different then. Everything was easier, we didn't think of consequences or repercussions. We didn't worry about if we drank a lot tonight we'd have a hangover in the morning. Things would work out; we knew it. Life couldn't touch us; we were the ultimate hedonists. We found our pleasure where it was available, and that was with each other. We didn't worry about anything stupid like a relationship, it was too complicated, too difficult, so we disguised our less animalistic needs with a nominal desire for incessant sex. I don't know when it changed, when we started being jealous and defensive. I had always been the type who was stuck on the outside, crushing desperately over girls I could never have. The first time I decided to take my fate into my own hands was with my brother's girlfriend; I had been crushing over her since before he started dating her. I sounded her out, playing the experimental horny teenager façade. It was never anything but sex for her, it was never anything but sex for anyone I had been with. That was my method, and I thought I was getting what I wanted. I couldn't expect anything more, even though it wasn't enough. It wasn't any different with Phoebe. I assumed that she didn't want anything else. I was used to one-night stands. I was used to being left behind. I never expected her to stay. I never expected it to be as perfect as it became. And I never ever expected her to leave because she was afraid I would find someone better. I was sure she was going to move on and find someone that she wanted to be with. Because no one ever wanted to be with me, not for longer than a night. And she left, just like I knew she would. And I was the most miserable person in the world. Because she had given me everything I ever wanted, and I won't ever be satisfied with anything less.

Why am I not begging at her knees? Because I've never begged for anything. I've always been the seducer, I've been the one who never gets what she wants and is satisfied with it. I've been able to bear anything, and I'm way too proud. I don't let people see how I feel. I don't want her again. She was afraid last time, but when have I ever not been afraid. I don't think I could deal with having what I want and being scared of losing it, not something that good, not love.


	31. 31 Liz

31 Liz

I'm married and the world is my eggplant. The world is my large ungainly purple fruit that can be fried in oil with salty, and if it's not thoroughly crispy it is floppy and mushy and disgusting. Yes, eggplant is my life. Sometimes it's crispy and yummy, sometimes it doesn't taste as good as I was expecting, and sometimes it's scary. I'm terrified.

My life wasn't meant to go like this. I'm not supposed to be running away from the feds. I should be at college, overworking myself, learning everything I could, all the new exciting things. But, no, my life is frightening, I'm running, and nothing is like it's supposed to be. Nothing.

Isabel watches everyone, sitting apart, her eyes are sad and lonely. I think she misses Jesse. Maria's really bad though, she doesn't fight with Michael, and she doesn't sleep with him either. I was looking for her one night and her and Michael's room was entirely empty. Isabel's door was slightly open and I pushed it and peered in. Maria was curled up in Isabel's arms sobbing into her shoulder. Her back was shuddering irregularly. Isabel glanced up and met my eyes. Then she bent her head and, stroking Maria's hair, started making soft noises in her ear.

I shut the door. Why Isabel? Why could she cry on Isabel's shoulder and not mine? Doesn't she see that I hate living like this as much as she does? Does she think that Max and I are so happy? She doesn't know that we haven't slept in the same room since our wedding night.

She doesn't know about the flashes I got during my first time, she doesn't know that I screamed Tess when I came, and I pray that she will never guess why. I felt like a whore for sleeping with Max, him and all his so earnest declarations of undying love and his claim that the flashes are pure truth and the sign of love. I wish they weren't true. I wish they weren't perfect honesty and truth and togetherness. I wish I didn't know what her body felt like, smelled like, tasted like, but I do, and I will never forget the feeling of her bones in her shoulders, clenched in my hands. I will never forget the sight of her eyes, so different from her usual collected confidence, wide in terror; I can still hear her short panicked screams and whimpers. I hate the way he respects me, and the way he forced her against the wall, and how he takes time to kiss me softly, and that I can feel her supple unresisting mouth against my violent ravaging one.

Sometimes I forget that it wasn't me, I feel a deep plunge of sickness in my stomach, and I get hot at the memory of forcing her down and thrusting, and giving her what she wanted, not wanted, deserved, but I don't want to believe that, I shouldn't, but sometimes I do. I believe that I had a right to punish her for everything she did, but then I remember her crying whimpers and I want to scream with disgust at myself. But I didn't do it, Max did, and that makes it even worse, because I gave myself to him by choice. I made love to him and the entire time was one long flash of him making love to her and I was him. But it wasn't making love. I thought maybe she had seduced him, I blamed it all on her, but now I know, she didn't want what he was doing. Why do I have to see it? to feel it? to be him? I've been avoiding him since I saw it, since I raped her. I can accuse myself of it, but I can't accuse Max. I married him. But god, I've heard her scream and whimper, she wouldn't have screamed except in pleasure if she was with me. I would have spent time on her neck and her lips, her collarbones and between her breasts. But she's gone and the bill is far too high to pay.


	32. 32 Isabel

32 Isabel

Maria is in my arms again tonight. What sweet torture is this? Her misery is my pleasure, my pleasure her pain. But how different is it than it has always been? When have I not gotten pleasure from making her angry? When has fighting not been our most pleasant means of communication? And when have I not been happy when Michael has ripped her self-esteem to shreds?

Now we don't fight, and I'm miserable. Now I hold her and she cries and I hate myself for being so weak. But all I want is for her to be happyÉ happy? Where did that come from? When has my desire ever been to make her happy? That's not all I want. I want, I want, I want one time, when she comes to me with tears ready to fall, is to press her down on the bed and make love to her. I want to wipe all thoughts of Michael from her mind. I want to own her thoughts; I want to be the only thing she thinks about. I want her to think of me every time something brushes against her breast.

I'm a freak, like always, I'm creepy and horrible, and I hate myself for wanting it, but no matter how much I do I'm not going to give in. I'm going to hold her, and whisper soft nothings in her ear and I'm going to murder Michael if I ever have the chance.

I want to own her, body, mind, and soul. I want her to surrender herself to me in ways she would never do for anyone else. But she doesn't want me and so I'll just be in my room, there if she needs me, if she needs a shoulder to cry on. I'll be there for her needs, even if she never notices or cares about mind.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm here. Why it was so easy to slip off my ring and leave Jesse and my parents. I always knew I would never have a normal life, but I thought that was what I wanted. But it is what I want. I want my mom to hold me and tell me everything's all right. Why should I have to be the holder when I need to be held just as much? Her back is shivering under my fingers; I stroke her hair. Is this comfort for me? Is being strong for her making me strong enough for me?

I slip fingers under her chin, against the smooth skin of her neck, and lift her head. Her eyes are swollen from tears and she tries to dart away from my gaze. If her lips were swollen from kisses

"Do you want to tell me what's wrong? Or will you just disturb my sleep every night?

"If you want me to goÉ" The roughness of tears has softened the sharpness of her tones.

"I have a head as well as a shoulder. I might be more helpful than just any handkerchief.

A little smile touches her lips. That smile sends shudders through my stomach. People call them butterflies, but butterflies are not usually the bearers of terror. I'm afraid of losing control. I always have perfect control, but her lips send my lust level soaring. And if I lose control just once, I'm done for.

"You're better than a handkerchief, you're warm and soft.

"Am I a stand in for your mother?

"Again, you're better than my mother, you're warm and soft. She wipes her eyes and gives me another terrifying smile. God, I want those lips. She slips her arms around me. When did I become this person? When did I become someone she was comfortable with? When did I become closer to her than Liz? She used to be afraid of me, she used to hate me, and now every night she crawls into my bed and lets her world fall apart, knowing I'll catch it in my arms like I catch her.

"Can't you tell me why you cry?

"What would you do if I came here and I wasn't crying? She murmurs into my shoulder, "What would you think I wanted? Would you let me in?

"So you're just crying to get into my bed? I'm pushing it; I've got to be careful.

"I," she wouldn't look at me, "I just want someone to be there, isn't that enough?

Yes, that's enough. If I push to hard I wont get this bittersweet joy, she won't come to me, and I won't even get this. Why should I want more than this? Maria DeLuca is in my arms and for the first time she's not crying.


	33. 33 Ava

33 Ava

I'm scared. Like this is new. I don't know if I can go back. Do I have the courage to face the way she'll look at me? Does she really care about me? Is it worth it. would she want me back? Am I nothing to her?

I ended up here again, back at the warehouse. It's as good a place as any to spend the night. I can make a decision in the morning. I step inside. And she's here, why is she here? What's going on? I didn't want to have to do this now. I'm tired and muddy and I wanted to sleep. I'm terrified of this. Don't look, please Paige, don't look. A flash of orange, she's turning her head, I have to run. I meet her eyes and the door slams behind me. I'm six blocks away before my head catches up with my feet. I had to escape. I can't face it.

God she's everywhere! This is where I sat in her arms, watching the bay. It's not fair. I remember that feeling of safety, but if she can give me that many feelings of love and acceptance, she can invert it horribly. I'm afraid of her. I curl up on the bench, holding my knees to my chest. I'm so afraid.


	34. 34 Liz

34 Liz

San Francisco, it's a big place. I could get lost here. Max would never be able to find me and drag me off the planet. If they were gone I wouldn't have to be so afraid, would I? If I was rid of the alien invasion I could start living again. I could forget it all. I could have gone to Harvard if Max hadn't stolen my dreams. I wouldn't have nightmares about Tess blowing herself up every night. Maria would still be my best friend. Alex would still be alive. I would still have my parents. I won't let him take me to Antar. I heard him and Michael talking about it, but I'm not going. I'm not leaving. Maybe I've lost some opportunities, but I'm not giving up my whole life for someone who couldÉ who could do that to Tess. I know she's not a total victim. I know she's done a lot of things, unforgivable things, but it didn't have to happen this way, none of it did. If he had let me die why are my premonitions useless! Why did they start so late? Why can't I see my own life? I have to make my own decision, but I know what it is going to be.

It's early in the morning. Kyle is sleeping in the other bed, I write him a quick note and leave. I knock on Isabel's door. It feels like hours before it opens slightly. I glance past Isabel to the bed where Maria is sprawled fast asleep. She follows my gaze and then carefully meets my eyes. I beckon her into the hall.

"Promise me you'll take care of her.

"LizÉ" she looks surprised.

"Promise me. I think I shocked her with my vehemence.

"I promise.

"Give her this. I handed her an envelope, "And give your brother these. I stripped the rings from my finger. She took them silently. "Don't let him take you back to Antar unless you want to go. I didn't watch her surprise, I glanced in at Maria sleeping. "Tell her she's still my best friend.

"Do you want me to wake her up so you can say goodbye?

"No, you know her, she'd make a fuss and wake up the entire world and I'd never get out of here. Remember your promise.

"I will.

"Bye," I wanted to leave without showing any emotion, any doubt, but I flung my arms around Isabel's neck and kissed her cheek, then I ran.


	35. 35 Piper

35 Piper

Sometime yesterday, probably while I was making Phoebe cry, Paige left. I know this because she came back tonight around two in the morning, drunk. I was awake at this time because I never went to bed. I don't ever want to go to bed again. I was cooking when she walked in and tripped over the rug in the entrance. I made sure she hadn't gotten herself into a state of alcohol poisoning, but she was mostly drunk on misery and only a little vodka. And they say Phoebe is the one with the premonitions, did I not know this was going to happen? I didn't know what would happen to me though, and that's why I'm cooking now. If I keep busy I can't dwell on the guilt. It's not like it's anyone else's fault. Leo didn't do anything to make me betray him. Did he neglect me on purpose? He had to work, do I need his attention every moment? It's not Phoebe's fault. I should have known it was a stupid idea. I did know it was a stupid idea, but I wanted to do it. There's no other reason to have done it. I wanted to. And it's not her fault. It's not. She was just in the right place at the right time. Maybe she is a fallen whitelighter, but she didn't fall because she was in love with me. She didn't force me into it. I had no objections. I wasn't going to stop someone who wanted to kiss me. Leo's too busy and she was the first person who actually wanted to. No! don't think about that! Don't think about the way you feel like you know her, the way you recognized her the first time you saw her, or the way she seemed to understand everything you said.

Phoebe walks down the stairs at half past three. Are we not the best sleepers? She sees Paige asleep on her side on the couch with a bucket I put next to her and checks her skin color and breathing.

"She'll be fine, she'll just have a nasty hangover tomorrow. I should know, I've checked you for the symptoms more than once.

Phoebe walks over to me and breathes in deeply. "Scones? she asks.

"Want an early breakfast? They're just staying warm in the oven.

"It's nice to see you in the kitchen again," she says as she opens the oven door.

"At three in the morning?

"You know you're my favorite sister, Piper.

"What's this about? Planning to go back to New York with her?

"No. I just want to know if it will be worth it to stay

"Without her?

"You have no idea how much I want her back!

"You've lived without her for years now! You've had other loves; you've survived. You don't need her!

Paige made a move on the couch in response to the shouting, and made a groaning noise that sounded way too much like ÔAva. I roll my eyes in her direction and look back at Phoebe.

"Look at yourself, you're not like that, you pulled through.

"But, it's different now, before it was crazy, mostly lust, I didn't feel like she wanted anything else. But now she's different, the way she's so sure she doesn't want me, that I think she does.

"Phoebe! You idiot! Just listen to what you're saying. Do you chase rejection? Now that she doesn't want you, you can't get enough of her?

"It's not like that, I, I can't explain, but I feel like she could heal me.

"You're not sick.

It's so easy isn't it, to just unload all your burdens onto another person, don't you understand that the only one who can fix you is you. You have to decide to become strong and deal with your own problems. You'll fuck her up, Phoebe, all you'll do is fuck her up. I should tell Kylie to run as fast as she can back to New York until our romance advisor gets her head on straight.

"You just don't want me to be happy.

"I don't want you to make her miserable, and I think that if you expect her to make your life better you'll destroy her with your hope.

"Piper

"Listen to me for once, know who you are before you unpack a time bomb on anyone else.

"Piper, you're talking gibberish.

"Do you think you deserve her love? Do you think you've done anything to deserve anyone's love?

She starts smiling knowingly, "this is about you isn't it?

"No! I screamed at her, "Get it through your thick head, this has to do with everyone in the whole fucking world!

She stared at me and I threw a muffin tin to the ground, then I stormed out of the kitchen, past a suddenly awake Paige, out of the door and into the car. I drove down to P3 and parked. She wasn't even inside. She was waiting on the ledge outside, waiting for me. I felt like an addict, like an alcoholic. Need held me in it's grasp, and I knew the euphoria wouldn't last long, but there wasn't anything I wanted more when she slipped her hands into mine and we dissolved into purple sparkles.


	36. 36 Ava

36 Ava

I can be invisible here. Who knows me in this long street full of shops? I look like a teenage streetwalker, and what city doesn't have their streetwalkers. Cheapness is my disguise. God, if Lonnie walked up to me right now she would ignore me entirely. There's no use to break someone this downtrodden.

I've wandered into a street of kiosks. I glance past a rack of rugs and hear, "Tess," whispered quietly, hopelessly behind me. I look back to the rugs and meet Liz's eyes, then I shake my head slowly. Her hair is greasy and wild. There are large dark circles around her eyes. Her clothes are dirty and beaten. I walk up to her and take her hand. She follows me unresisting. There's only one place I know to go.

The streetwalker and the catatonic runaway are outside the tall handsome house belonging to the witches. I nearly can't do it, but I knock and Phoebe opens the door.

"AvaÉ" she says, surprised.

I stare at the floor, "this is Liz, I was wondering if she could have something to eat.

Phoebe looked Liz over, "and a bath, a long sleep, and some psychiatric counseling.

"That would be good too.

"Come on in. Piper went on a cooking rampage last night.

"IsÉ" I couldn't bring myself to ask the question.

"Paige here? Yeah, she's upstairs and very hung-over, I don't think she'll be down any time soon. You could go up?

"That's all right.

"Come on," Phoebe turned to Liz, "wash your hands.

Liz swallowed carefully and went over to the sink.

I sat down at the table, and Liz sat across from me, Phoebe got out the scones and started frying pancakes.

"So," I stated quietly, "what's new in Roswell?

"Tess is dead.

I nod slowly, "I heard.

"Who from?

"Max.

"Max has been here recently?

"He wanted to take me to Antar.

"I think he still does. That's, that's why I left.

"He was going to take you too?

"All of us, but I'm not going.

"No, that's why you're here.

"I, I married Max.

"Yes.

"Don't you hate me?

"Um, should I?

"After what he did to Tess?

"I have no idea what he did to Tess, unless he killed her.

"No, she did that, and I watched. I didn't just watch the other thing though.

"Liz, relax. She had crumbled the scone into a fine powder.

"I'm smart. She said quietly.

"Yes, very smart.

"Then how could I make such stupid decisions?

I closed my eyes and rubbed my fingers over the table. She wasn't trying to frustrate the hell out of me. She wanted to tell me, but she can't yet. Then I felt a burning on my neck and I turned my head and met Paige's eyes. I gritted my teeth and stared into her eyes. "Paige. I said with vehemently attempted calmness, "this is Liz.

I turned away quickly just barely catching the expression of shock that her face fell into. A few seconds later I heard the door slam. I glanced across the table; Liz was about to fall asleep in her chair.

"Phoebe?" I called. She looked at me from the stove, "can we put Liz somewhere?

She nodded and then glared at me, "if she has to get her stomach pumped you're going to pay.

I nodded. They had already given me more kindness than I could ever expect. I left Liz with Phoebe and went to find Paige.


	37. 37 Paige

37 Paige

She caught up with me a block down the road. "Paige," I heard her call, and her hand caught my arm. I whirl throwing her arm off, and raise my hand to strike her in the face.

"Hit me, come on, you know you want to. She was baiting me, but I didn't want to hit her, I saw her and I wanted to fall on my knees and cling like a limpet, begging her to forgive me. But that's not what she wants me to do. I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to.

"Liz needs a place to stay. She's not used to living the way I am. You're the social worker, aren't you going to help?

She hated it that I was a social worker; she hated it when people tried to fix her life. Am I just doing the same thing? Am I trying to fix her?

Why am I so angry? She ran away from me. She's scared of me. That's exactly what I didn't want. How much of an idiot am I? I've screwed up so many times. Why are all these things so hard to say? In my mind I can shout I love you, and hope you hear it telepathically. In my head I can say I'm sorry, but my pride wont let my lips move. Ava, why won't you read my mind? I want you to love me. I want to work this out. I don't want to stand here trapped in my own mind any longer. I want to feel your mouth under mine again. I want to kiss you all over your face. I want to drown you, smother you in my love so you'll never need anything else. I'm sorry, Ava. I'm sorry I'm not enough for you. You drive me insane? Do you know that? I never want to hurt you, but sometimes I want you so much that I'll be willing to hurt you just a little bit, just so you'd stay. But I don't want to, and I'm walking a fine line here, it's the same line I've always walked before. What is more? Do I love you or want you more? And which one goes with which? If I hurt you because it's what you want is it because of love? If I hurt you so you'll stay is it from desire? But if I hurt you because I want you, what am I then? What kind of monster does that make me? I know you don't see it that way, but I don't want to be like everyone else in your life. Even if it means I lose you I want to show you something better. Wasn't it enough when I just held you? Did you feel what I felt, complete invulnerability? I don't want you to have to remember me with bruises; I never want to leave your side.

"Go off and get drunk, or whatever you were going to do then, if you won't help. She turns away, but I'm not letting her go. I grab her arm and reel her in, sliding my other arm round her waist. I press my lips against hers and kiss her.

My head spins with images, a thick muscular boy coming at me with a baseball bat. A short-haired girl in a leather jacket removing my clothes and chaining me to the wall, a thin dark haired boy glancing away from me with disgust in his eyes.

Ava shoves away from me, "you shouldn't surprise me like that! You didn't want to see that, I didn't want you to see that

I kiss her again. Doesn't she know it just makes my heart ache for her more?


	38. 38 Isabel

37 Isabel

So here I am. Stuck in the aftermath of Liz's desertion, as they call it. I prefer to think of it as Liz's escape. Our great leader is sitting around with his head in his hands moaning, "I thought she'd get over it. I thought she'd understand. I thought she hated her

I prefer not to ask him what the hell he's talking about, because then his watchdog will come after me with an Ôit's none of your business' bark and a Ôyou stole my girlfriend' look in his eyes. I only wish, Michael. I didn't take her, you just lost her. And Liz said she's my responsibility. She trusts me more than you, jerk!

But the news is out. Maria has locked herself into my room, and she will only let me in. Liz explained Max's plan for going to Antar in the letter. And I get his idea. If we're there we wont have to be on the run, we can have our own community (this is once we wrest the rule of the planet from Khivar) we can have lives again. But there's no way Maria is leaving this planet, and I don't want to go either. We wont have to run forever. It won't be like this forever. But Max was going to have it all. He would bring his little harem with him, what more could he want. But now neither of his harem want to go. Kyle was freaking out, but Michael rolled his eyes at him and said, "we really couldn't care less if you came or not," so now he's just offended.

Max's new idea is to find Liz and Ava and take them whether they want to go or not. I told him it was a fucking stupid idea and that he should leave them alone. He yelled at me that we'd never be safe never have a home. And I told him that he was an asshole and that it's his fault that we're running, and that if we left the country and didn't do anymore stupid things we'd be fine. And he said, "stupid things, like healing Liz. And I said, "yes, like healing Liz, and every other stupid fucking thing you've done. He decided that being painfully in love was better than having a family and a life and said, "if I hadn't you'd have never gotten close to your girlfriend. Why do people think we're involved when all she does is sleep with me? That just might be a stupid question. "She's not my girlfriend," I screamed at him, "we had a perfectly serviceable relationship before you got us into this mess, I ignored her and she hated me from a distance. I was perfectly happy. You think this is better? I think I confused him because he changed the subject, "I don't care. I'm going to find Liz and make her come.

"Well you're not going to make me come.

"You have to come. You're one of the royal four.

"The great betrayer. I think they'd be least surprised if I didn't show.

"But you're my sister.

"You think that gives me unbreakable loyalty to you? I am Vilondra, consort of the great over thrower Khivar. I calmed down a little. "And I promised Liz that I would look out for Maria, and that promise outweighs any other right now.

"You knew she was leaving and you didn't tell me?

"Do you think you have the right to know her every move?

"She's my wife.

"Was. I pulled out the rings she had given me.

He stared at them for a while. "I made this diamond out of a piece of coal.

"Cheapskate.

"I thought it was romantic. He looks up at me, "did she tell you why she left?

"I thought it was because you wanted to take her to Antar.

"Then it wasn't because of Tess?

"Max! Everyone did not suddenly switch their sexual preference. Liz was no more in love with Tess than I am with Maria! Okay, that does leave some ambiguity in case there was something I didn't know.

"No," he smiled embarrassedly, "I didn't mean that.

"Then what did you mean?

Suddenly his face froze. He furrowed his eyebrows. "It's none of your business.

"Now I really want to know. Max, come on, tell me.

He jumped up, "I'm never going to tell you! and he ran out of the room.

I slowly and contemplatively walked back to my room and knocked on the door. "'Ria," I called, and in a few moments the door opened a tiny bit. She scanned around and then opened the door for me. Then she walked back to the bed and climbed in, she picked up the letter and stared at it again. I get on the bed behind her and close my arms around her waist.

"You're going to see her again. There's no way I'm letting them take you to Antar. Once this is over we're going to find her andÉ" and what? We'll all die brutally at the hands of the FBI? We'll all live happily ever after? "It'll all be okay. We'll make it all okay.

Maria swivels a quarter turn in my arms so she can look at me. I still can't believe she's not saying let go of me. She hasn't ever shied away from my touch.

"She doesn't want to see me again. Or why wouldn't she have taken me with her? She knows I would never go to Antar. Why didn't she take me? But I know why. She doesn't want to be caught, and I would just screw her up. I'm useless and helpless.

"I, I think there's something more than that. Max said something, and it makes me think that she didn't leave just because of the Antar thing. There was something else.

"What?" she glared at me.

"I don't know.

"Find out.

"Would you mind if I dreamwalked her?

"You're asking permission?

"You are her best friend, she explicitly told me that.

"If you think it will help.

"Do you have a picture of her?

"Yes. Maria goes and digs a photo out of her bag. I lie down on the bed and slowly stroke the photo. Liz and Maria are in their Crashdown uniforms. Liz is smiling and Maria is making a goofy face. But as I stare at Liz her smile drops, the skin around her eyes tightens and her eyes widen so I can see more whites, then she turns away, stepping out of the picture and I'm in. I follow her our of the Crashdown and into the desert. Ahead I can see the Astronomy tower. It is about Tess, and there she is. Just like when she was alive except she looks smaller, delicate nervous. She's waiting by the door of the observatory. I keep an eye out for Max, but he's nowhere to be found. Liz has morphed out of her Crashdown uniform and into clothes that I recognize, but I can't place them. They're dark jeans and a sweater, a little loose and baggy on Liz. Liz has always been the same size as Tess, but now she's taller, and the sweater is tightening across her back. She glances back towards me and she's Max, all she kept were her eyes.

Then everything disappears. I'm used to this in dreams though, and we're in a hotel room. Oh bother, this is not anywhere I ever wanted to be, in Max and Liz's room on their wedding night. She's on the bed, looking at him with wide sweet hopeful innocent eyes. You would think she would know better. But she's wrapped in that silk teddy Maria got her. I don't want to watch this. I should just go back and tell Max that she's dreaming about him, but I need to find out why she left. Max in his stupid boxers is leaning down to kiss her tenderly. I don't want to watch this. I don't! I don't! I don't! But I'm not, no! I don't want to watch this either. Max is ravaging Tess's mouth against the wall of the Astronomy tower, he's pushing her to the floor. Wait, now he's shrunk, Liz is forcing her mouth, Liz is fumbling with Tess's jeans. What the hell is going on? Tess is struggling and whimpering. "Shut up," Liz hisses, and it's Max again, then it's Liz, but it's always Tess, and then suddenly we're back in the hotel room and Liz is curled up tightly, shuddering, and begging, "I'm sorry, I didn't want to, I'm sorry, I'm sorry I let you go, I'm sorry. God, Tess, I'm sorry. Max is snoring away, and Liz slips out of bed and finds clothing. She steps out the door and we're in the desert again, she's climbing out of the car and running towards the person walking towards the cyclone fence. Why aren't my premonitions ever good for anything? A scream tore through her mind. She tackled Tess and knocked her to the sand. "don't leave, you can't leave. Without you everyone loses. We can't survive without you. But Tess slips through her arms and continues her walk towards the fence. She goes through it and continues walking. A fireball lights up the sky, and Liz writhes on the ground, clenching the sand like a safety blanket in the face of death. An older Max walks up to her and kicks her in the ribs. "I told you to make her stay. She goes and we're all dead.

"I don't care about that! Liz screams, and we're in the school bathroom, and she leans in toward Tess I've had enough! I know why she left. There's one reason and her name is spelled T-E-S-S. I drop the picture.

"Why'd she leave? Maria sits huddled up on the chair across the room.

"Because of Tess. I respond. She looks at me like I'm crazy and then realization dawns.

"You mean Tess is still alive and she mindwarped Liz so she would leave?

Or maybe not. To tell her or not to tell her?

"Liz still hasn't gotten over watching Tess die.

"But she hated her, right?

"I don't think it was as simple as that.

"But Liz really believes that she's dead. I don't believe that, not one bit. She was way to manipulative to martyr herself.

"Liz, however, well, um, feels guilty.

"Why? Maria launched herself at me, pinning me to the bed, "she killed Alex. She fucking killed Alex. There is no way I could ever be sorry for her. If she's dead, good! If she's not, she'd better stay away or she will be.

I slip my arms around her neck. "A sensible position to have, but LizÉ you know that Max slept with Tess?

"Tramp," Maria mutters into my neck.

"Max is the tramp, ÔRia. And when he slept with Liz for the first time, she, well, she experienced the whole thing from Max's point of view.

Maria said nothing for a long time and then she pushed away from me. "You mean Liz knows what it's like to fuck Tess?

"Yes.

"And it changed her opinion entirely?

"It just made her less doubtful that Tess would martyr herself.

"But she hated Tess

"Tess was attractive though, right?

"Well, duh: Luscious alien flesh. All you Czechoslovakians are hot. Oh, please, tell me she means me.

"And Tess was never really vulnerable, was she?

"Not unless she was making a play for Max.

"What if Liz saw her really honestly vulnerable, and then saw herself take advantage of that vulnerability.

"Stop walking around the point! What did she do? Rape her?

"Um, yes, you've got it exactly.

"But, wait, I don't understand, how, when.

"Max.

"Oh, I've got it now, I'm really not that thick, but, it was Tess, she wanted Max to do it so she could drag him off to Antar.

"Yeah, she wanted it, it all fit into her plans, she was cold-blooded and ruthless. She used everyone, and hurt everyone. I wasn't looking at her, "she was able to handle anything to get what she wanted. She played the world with her mind warping, and she did a better job of it when she didn't use her powers.

"She's alive. Isabel, she's alive and she screwed with Liz's head.

Maria was sitting up and staring at me without seeing me, like she always did. She's so certain, but she never trusted Tess, like the rest of us did.

"Maybe she did.

"You don't believe me, but I'm right. We have to find her. We have to get to her before Tess does.

She's crazy; we can't do this. Liz doesn't want to be found. We shouldn't. She's starting to pack. There's no way I'm letting her go alone. She'll never find her. Dammit, why? Why will I follow her to the ends of the earth?


	39. 39 Phoebe

38 Phoebe

Should I have turned them out of the house? Am I too nice for my own good? Probably not. According to Piper I'm a self-absorbed bitch who wants to lay all her problems on somebody else. Well at least I don't hold everything in and then explode at people for no good reason. And she calls me self-absorbed. She calls me sick, when she's the one who, well, I suppose she called herself more things than she called me. That's one of the things I've learned from doing advice columning, it's really about them.

Even what I write is about me. Stop that! I'm a good advice columnist. And having an alter ego only helps. Shut up. Arrgh. Do you have to surface now? I'm the voice of reason, I know you rarely listen to me, especially when you're getting dressed, but I am here, if you ever bothered to pay attention. Are you saying you're not reasonable. I'm saying maybe you should think about what Piper said. You're not the voice of reason, you're the voice of Piper is right, I learned not to listen to that on long ago. Like when she told you not to shop lift, or maybe when she told you to think for yourself. When did she tell me that? It was a long time ago, and you were probably high, but I remember it, I remember a lot of things. Piper was always more rational than you, and she always cared about you, and you always blew her off. When I needed help Piper was involved in her own problems. That's true, the only time you ever wanted to ask for help, and she locked herself in her room for a week. She acted perfectly normal except when anyone wanted to talk, ask a question, or find her in between mealtimes or at school. She cut school every day for that week. But you never asked her what was wrong. You were just mad at her because she wasn't there for you to run to when your best friend said she hated you and tried to kill herself after you slept with her boyfriend. I didn't want to remember that. I was a slut. What's changed now? Lots of things. I give romantic advice I've got to know something. You know your job's bullshit, stop hiding behind it. You used to want to be a real reporter. You used to want to do something worthwhile with your life. But no, you got drunk, and high, and dumped Kylie for no good reason. What did you do? Allow so called "Destiny" to take your choices away. You didn't want to be responsible for yourself, not after you made the worst decision in your life. It always comes back to her, doesn't it? it was a turning point, it made you what you are today. A loser, who no one wants anymore. You had a serious relationship with a demon, what do you think he wanted, besides your body, your love, your noble soul, or your power and the chance to crush your psyche. He made me strong. I fought him. I don't want him anymore. Then why are you still so scared? Why can't you believe in your strength? Idiot. She called you that, and it was a perfect name. She knew exactly what you were, and took you in spite of it. Was she an idiot too? Now she's smarter than you. She knows what she wants, and it's not you. It's not, and it's your fault. It's not Cole's? Cole's? Cole started you on the road to recovery. No, my dear self, it is your fault.

How do I fix myself? How do I make myself desirable? Apparently clothes are not the factor needed to begin long-term relationships. But Kylie, did Kylie look at your clothes and say, that's a girl I want to room with until our incessant screwing turns into something vaguely resembling a relationship. Do you remember, or were you suffering from an alcoholic blackout? You remember. I remember. I was trying to find myself after Grams died. I wanted to do something to make her proud. She wanted to have fun, but she was always on her way to where she is now, I was just a small detour. I could have gotten her lost but she fought past me and survived. She could have put me on the right track. She gave me dreams and hope, but what did I do with it but get scared and throw everything away. She only liked me because I was confident, I put my trust in my looks and my attitude, nothing that would hold up if I was ever in actual trouble. She wasn't confident like me, I don't think she felt like people liked her for who she was, but everyone did. She was so cute, and with a few drinks she was wild. It was awful sometimes, the way she didn't know she was wonderful. I really hope she doesn't remember this, but one night she had gone over the edge of the buzz and she approached me, a little quiet, a little worried. She looked at me, clenching the shoulder of her dress. "I-i-if you want, we could have sex, I mean, just if you want. It's not like I really care," her eyes were painful here, "but I'm pretty good, and if you want to

I am sure that was not one of her most together pick-up lines. She sounded like an insecure fourteen year old, giving herself up for the first time, when she really wanted to, but wasn't going to let anyone find out for anything. There was no way I could bring myself to use that. I just took her home. And after that I never missed a chance to tell her that she was amazing. I believed it too much. Everyone did watch her though. She was amazing; everyone wanted her. The only thing I couldn't see was that I was the one she wanted. But there was no reason for her to want me, all I told her was the truth. I was hopeless. I clung to the outside of her dreams, like a parasite. Finally I gave up. I was so weak. I said she doesn't need me; she shouldn't want me. All I'm doing is interfering in her dreams and wasting her time. She could find someone better than me. Everyone was better than me. And I was entirely right. I got out of her life and she survived. She's fine without me. She has her dreams, she has a life, maybe she doesn't have a lover, but that doesn't mean she needs me. Why would she need me? I have nothing to offer. Am I angry at her for not wanting me back, when I am so hopeless at relationships that I give advice on them for a living. No, it's not sarcasm, it's irony. Fine, I hate my life, I hate not being with her, but the world doesn't revolve around me. I don't care if I'm unhappy, I don't deserve to be happy. Why don't I have any direction to my life? I'm always looking for something, what will make it enough? I want so desperately for being a witch to make life worthwhile, but there's always something missing. I said I wanted to help people, that's why I'm a witch and why I write an advice column, but maybe that's not what I want to do. Maybe I don't want to help people. Paige has that covered, that's why she exists. Piper runs a club, is that not selfish? I want to be selfish too, but I don't know with what. I'm happy giving advice, people like me when I'm confident, they listen to me when it sounds like I know what I'm talking about. What do I want? If I know what I want will I be worth taking back?

The Liz girl is starting to wake up. She rests a hand over her eyes. "I should be getting used to the nightmares by now.

She sounds almost normal. I sit on the arm of the couch. "You never get used to the nightmares. She looks up at me and smiles.

"I'm Liz, I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name. I was a little strung out earlier; I hadn't slept or eaten in a while.

"An hour nap isn't going to fix that. I reached out my hand. "I'm Phoebe.

"You gave me food, I remember that. Thanks.

"No problem.

"I think I'm beginning to understand why the necessities of life are necessities.

"Food, shelter, clothing, cleanliness. Would you like a bath?

She looked up at me, smiling in wonder. "Desperately. I'm beginning to understand Ava a bit better now. You think that there's always going to be someone there for you, just to provide a little bit of kindness. You don't understand how amazing and uncommon it is, and how much you need it, just to survive.

I lead her upstairs, helping her when she slips. "We had better give you bubbles so I can check at intervals to make sure you haven't drowned.

"I don't know how people live on the streets for their whole lives, I couldn't pull it off for three days.

"How do you know Ava?

"Now that you know I'm not a street kid you're wondering? She caught me.

"Yes, I mean we know her because Paige is a social worker and brought her home from whatever gutter she found her in.

"Well, my reason for knowing her is a little complicated. Liz paused.

"I'll give you all the time you want to make it up.

"I'm not making it up! I just have to adapt it for an uninitiated audience.

"Well, I never did make the National Honor Society.

She looks at me incredulously, "you didn't, howÉ you didn't?

Okay, apparently she doesn't understand about being a teenager and not working your but off or worrying about getting into college every minute of your life.

"I take it you were a member?

"I didn't do much, but I did make it.

"I did a lot of playing hooky, breaking into the principal's office, exploring my sexual nature in high school, not so much of the studying. I finished college after nine years. Man, I'm a loser.

"I got into Northwestern, but I couldn't go.

"Why not?

"Things happened. I got married. I had to run away from home.

"Married? No ring.

"No, I just left, just three days ago I left him. What am I going to do? her eyes are hopeless, and the crazed look is threatening to come back.

"You'll survive, I've survived a lot.

"I want to go to college.

"UCSF is a good school, I can vouch for it.

"How are they in microbiology?

Okay, she's a braniac.

"I have got to know how you met Ava.

"Unwelcome relative of a friend of a sister of my boyfriend. She was ditched by her fellow homeless community and I found her sleeping in an alley and brought her home. Apparently she's my fast friend for life. I understand now, how much kindness is worth.

I start the bath.

"You can borrow some of my sister's clothes. She's more your size. They'll still be a bit big, Kylie's would fit better, but her clothes are no longer scattered around my life.

She didn't ask. She's either tired or polite. We get her a bathrobe, jeans, a t-shirt and a bra. She changes into the robe and I take her clothes to throw in the wash. When I come back up it appears she has found one of the few books we have in this house and is reading among the bubbles.

She has dreams, and she's giving up a lot to follow them. I'm jealous.

I hear the door open and go out to see who it is. Piper enters first, followed by a sheepish looking Paige and Ava. Piper is a lot more together than I'd expect someone who went storming out in a rage at three in the morning to be. What did she do? She's not the slightest bit hung-over or even tired. Paige and Ava have their hands clenched together. They made up. They're so cute even if they clash horribly; I mean pink and orange? It's not that my taste in clothes has ever been stellar though, and it's not like you can choose your girlfriend's hair color. Well, in their case they could probably discuss it, but I don't know, pink and orange, a perfect combination for the innocents. The right mix of exuberance and not caring about anything but each other. I'm going to change. I really have the most awful clothes, I'm so involved with having people look at me I don't care if they give me a second glance for something I've done or said. Probably most people take one look at me and cringe in horror. It's not about what I wear, it's about how I wear it, and I'm afraid I haven't been wearing it with the confidence that I need to. I look like a whore, more of a whore than that runaway downstairs. And I have been whoring myself out, to anyone who looks at me twice, dammit. I go into my room and start ransacking it. When did I start buying this stuff? Did this stuff actually look good to me? I'm supposed to be pretty, people say I'm pretty, but you can't be vying with your clothes, because the clothes has the shiny tassels that will win over the gleam in your eyes, and it has the soft material that is smoother and softer than your hair, especially my hair. Hair on drugs, that's what they should call it, too many dye jobs, too many attempts at making myself special because I'm not satisfied with who I am. I have no clothes! I run into Piper's room and pull open a drawer, and stare. Leo's clothes. He hasn't worn this stuff since he was pretending to be a carpenter. The jeans are loose and slide low on my hips. I run up the stairs in my bra into the attic. I find a box. Grams never threw anything away. My favorite t-shirt is still in the top of the box. The material is still soft but it's tighter on me now, my darling Cowboy Junkies' t-shirt. I love this shirt. I breathe deep and hug myself, then parade down the stairs. Piper gives me the wry evil look that expresses, Ôwhat has happened to you? But it's a little less harsh than usual. Maybe she thinks I listened to her, maybe I did, uh oh.

I sashay down the stairs; I can't stop smiling. It's the shirt. Paige is staring in some sort of horror. She doesn't understand the mellow pot induced haze of the early nineties; she's trapped in her self-aware punk rock iconography.

"So," Piper drawls, "we have a new house guest?

"She's in the bath. I leant her some of your clothes." She stiffens up.

"You did what?

"She'd fit yours best. Bigger than that one. I indicated Ava, "but smaller than anyone else. She also has more your style.

"Speaking of style, where did you get those jeans.

"What, it isn't like he ever wears them.

"You're wearing Leo's jeans.

I am not embarrassed. I am not going to blush.

"Did you get a phone call or something while I was away? She's smiling at me with evil eyebrows.

"No I didn't. I have to make myself worthy of, things, before I expect them. Now she's grinning like a cat. Evil sister, eeevil sister. "I'm going to become a mechanic.

Her smile dropped. Oh yeah, I'm one up, I win. I used to be good at that sort of thing. Fixing things, breaking into things, I liked it, I liked knowing how things worked. Maybe it's a stupid idea, but it's the only one I have, so I'm going to do it.

"I'm going to the library. Make sure Liz doesn't fall asleep in the bath and drown.

As I walk out the door I can feel Piper's eyes on my neck, but Paige is the one who said it.

"Phoebe is going to the library?


	40. 40 Isabel

39 Isabel

Maria has a plan, and it's a good plan. She's made a decision and I have no choice but go along for the ride. We're going back to Roswell. If there's anything I don't want to do, it's that, but she's not going alone. I have taken responsibility for all the practical difficulties. She is the mastermind. Why do I have to be the boy? But I'm taller and I mess with my hair and my face. I did no want to sport a Michael-do, but apparently that is the epitome of manliness no my tasteless Maria, whose hair is short and dark brown, with bangs and more cheekbone, but I couldn't bring myself to mess with her lips. We sneak out at night, Max and Michael both asleep, Kyle sulking and insecure, but he hasn't decided to leave yet. He needs to make a life without aliens. He can't just follow Michael around forever. And then, of course, on the street, she sees the Harley. She informs me that we are going on that, and no other way. I have never driven a motorcycle in my life. It is twenty-four hours of straight driving back to Roswell, and I do not want to do it on that thing. I put my foot down, but here I am, on route 10 towards LA, clinging desperately to the handlebars of this wretched thing. But she's holding on to me, so it isn't that bad.

Once we get past the LA traffic the road clears. It's early in the morning and the roads are almost clear. I touch my hand to the engine; a little extra power will get me off of this thing a little sooner. Kyle would love me if I did this for him. I keep prodding Maria to make sure she stays awake. The last thing I need is her slipping off when we're going, check the speedometer, 160 mph. This was her stupid idea. But it does make me feel kind of cool, just a little, and I'm never admitting it to anyone. Then however I remember my hair and the coolness immediately dissipates. The sun rises from behind Phoenix. And I feel like my limbs are going to drop off from being shaken all night. I pull in at a motel outside the city. I stop and I can't move. Maria doesn't move either. She clings helplessly around my waist. I climb slowly off the bike and fall to the pavement, her on top of me. I lie there for a little while and stare at the sky. I cannot move, but this is going to get embarrassing very soon. I manage to roll her off of me and get to my feet. She follows. I think she was faking most of it. She didn't have it as bad as I did. I hunt through the saddlebags to see if there is any money. There is a book entitled _The History of Motorcycles_ and a self help book, _How to Become a Cooler Person in Seven Days._ Fabulous, we stole a bike from a dork. I changed a dollar into a twenty and rented one of their eighteen-dollar rooms. Maria was sitting on the bike dozing quietly. She wanted me to carry her up, but I would not succumb again.

We had been sleeping in the same bed for a while now, but that morning I couldn't get to sleep. I read _The History of Motorcycles _until nine when my head hit the book and I was out. Maria woke me around ten when she had woken up and found me sleeping on that book. She was laughing at me, but at least I hadn't been reading _How to Become a Cooler Person in Seven Days,_ living that down would have been impossible. It's unfair, the way she gets on my nerves, and no matter how annoyed I am, I still want to kiss her, arggh!

We went down to get going, we had less than half of the 1440 miles left to go. But a few other bikers had pulled in. Maria cringed and hid behind me. They came up and started asking me about my bike. This could have been very very bad, but I remembered something from the book, and it wasn't so hard. We talked for a little while, and they invited me out for a beer, but I said we had to keep going because I was taking my girlfriend to meet my parents. Maria smiled with a terrified expression on her face and the bikers were all nice to her, but she clung to me. When they left she hissed at me, "how did you know that stuff?

"I read about it. And she looked vaguely embarrassed. Oh yeah.

We were almost there, and I started thinking things, that weren't so good. I started thinking that we were almost home, that I was going to sleep in my real bed tonight (or this morning). I started thinking that everything was going to be like it used to be, but better. I tried to shake it off, but I knew Maria was thinking the same things. "We're home.

We had only left about a month ago, but things had changed. Jesse's apartment was for rent. The Crashdown had a sign, "closed for repairs. I wanted to go by my house, but I couldn't bring myself to, and I avoided Maria's trying to spare her some pain. But it didn't work very well, because there, on the steps of the UFO center, as we cruised past, was her mother, carrying a huge batch of "My daughter was abducted by Aliens," t-shirts. She clung tighter to me. I just wanted to get it and leave, get out of this town that could never be home again as fast as I could. But we had to wait, then we would be able to go.


	41. 41 Kylie

40 Kylie

I love you. I wrap my arms around my knees and rock. I love you. I can't help it. it burns inside. I love you more than anything. I hate it, I hate how it makes me feel weak and hopeless and completely un in charge of myself. I know I love you, but it isn't worth it, it isn't! Anger, burning, flare, I'm screaming, I can't take this.

My hands are scorching, the curtains and bedspread is licking with flame. What's going on, there's fire, everywhere. Oh dammit. I run, pull on the alarm, dash down sixteen flights of stairs, slip and fall to the bottom. Then climb to my feet and walk out the door. My taxi is parked outside. I get in. Behind me the hotel is going up in flames and people are running out. I tell him an address I didn't know I memorized. I'm not giving in. I can't tell myself that I'm giving in, but I think I need help.

I don't want to go see her, and her eyes that look into me. I don't want to see her perfection intermixed in her destruction. I don't want to go crazy, but I don't think she'll help. I want to leave, but I don't want to, it's unfair, I'm so confused and I want to leave, I want to get out of this city, so strange, pretty, but hers, not mine. It's her city, I'm on her turf, and I'm afraid of her. I want to go home, but after this I don't think I can. Maybe I could find Makhi, I don't know her, but I'm less afraid of her than I am of Phoebe. She's not mine, she's not mine anymore, and I'm scared. What am I scared of? Losing control, it's always losing control, it's just losing grasp of that tenuous grasp I have over my own life, and that's why I'm staying, for just a little bit longer. I'm staying because I need to assert control over myself. I will fight temptation, and I will learn to squelch this wild power that made me set the fucking hotel on fire! I will face her, and I will never succumb. It will turn me into an iron nosed bitch, but I hope I'll be able to drop it once I'm out of sight of her. All I wanted was to have fun and to do what I love, I was fine without her, that's what I keep telling myself. And I will be fine again.

The taxi pulls up in front of the house, and I get out. I take my bag from the back, pay the driver, and walk up the steps, right into Phoebe. She looks at me, and I can see that she's just as terrified as I am. She steps back into the hall and I look her up and down, and I laugh. I'm just laughing and I can't help it. I stumble into the hall and drop my bag. She catches me and holds me and I smile at her. I can face her, this smile, this black t-shirt and jeans. I pet her hair. She's a good friend of mine. I guide her to the side and I smile at Piper.

"Hi, I just burned down my hotel with unrestrained magical power. Can I stay here for a bit?


	42. 42 Piper

41 Piper

Do they think this is a rooming house and we have an unlimited number of rooms. Unless she sleeps with Phoebe and that Ava girl sleeps with Paige, the Liz girl is going to have to sleep with me. However if Liz and Ava sleep in my room, Kylie sleeps downstairs, and I sleep with Phoebe, we'll all be good unless Leo shows up. Of course I could just leave and sleep at Makhi's and they would be free to arrange however they choose, but, of course, if Leo shows up, maybe he'll bring a friend home too. Well, angsting about the sleeping arrangements is better than thinking about the fact that Kylie just said she burned her hotel down. I wonder what I'll cook tonight.

"Is there anyone with funny eating habits?

They ignore me. I'm going to assume that was because it seemed like a random outburst and not any slight to me in particular.

Everyone is just standing there like idiots. Someone needs to do something!

"Phoebe, go check on Liz, make sure she hasn't drowned. Paige, you and Ava, go start lunch.

Phoebe cannot disobey a direct order, especially when it's me giving it, and she know it's a good idea. She does her Ôlook pleadingly' at me, then at Kylie, and them goes up the stairs. I turn to Kylie. Kylie turns to me, and smiles. Her smile glitters, and she's not wearing braces. Though she is wearing pigtails. She manages to pull it off however. Glittery smile, pigtails, if she were wearing overalls, sneakers, and a striped t-shirt I would have to kill her, but she's dressed like an adult in slacks and an open shirt, a little more open than is considered decent, but not much. Besides the pigtails I think she's the most grown up of us all. Her gaze turns serious.

"I'm just staying until I get control over these stupid things," she waves her hands, "but I have a job and a life, I won't be interfering in yours for too long. In the interim, how can I help?

I like her. I think I like her a lot. She was with Phoebe when she wasn't lost and wool headed, now she is and she doesn't want her. Someone is making sensible decisions, someone is smart, someone obviously needs to me removed from this house ASAP before she gets corrupted by our fluffiness.


	43. 43 Maria

42 Maria

Everything, in the past three years, that I have done, I have done for Liz. Don't question me on this; I can prove it. Everything was about looking out for her. Everything was about keeping her in my life, and now she left me! Sure Michael, Michael, what ever. Liz was running out of my life and I was doing everything I could to keep her back in. there was no way, not one way she was going to leave without me. So I ran after her, leeched on to Michael and the alien conspiracy, and she was still pulling away from me. I wanted to be home again. I wanted to move on with my life, to become a singer, to stop running and being afraid. But it didn't feel like Liz was even there. It was like she was a husk, lost inside her own head. Michael didn't want me to come. He was finally going to break away. He spent all his time with Max, but I didn't care. I wanted my old Liz back, but the only one who looked at me or gave one damn about me was, of all people, Isabel. I mean we had had a good hate/fear thing going before hand, but now, I was a wreck. I didn't know what was up with Liz, and I missed my mom, and I wanted to go home, so badly, and she was just there, always with arms open, ready to hold me, and look out for me, and take care of me, and it was kind of creepy. Eventually I figured out that she had a thing for me and I stopped worrying about it. it was nice to have someone who liked you, who cared about you, just a bit. And she's Isabel, so she's not going to make a move on me. Not that I'd entirely mind, but it would complicate things, and I really don't need anymore complications right now.

Right now, I need to focus. I can't worry about my mom, who's missing me. I can't worry about Is who starts breathing funny if I put my hands in the wrong place. And I can't let myself believe that Liz left because she hates me right now. I have to know that I am right, that Liz would never desert me among these things, and that she's not acting of her own free will. Tess has mindwarped her, and it is my job, my duty, my calling, to save her.

In Roswell at night you can see all the stars out in the desert there are thousands. There are even more now because the military base is entirely gone. I look up and I watch Isabel looking up and I wonder if I would have been taken to Antar, and I wonder if this side trip is pointless and Isabel is in on the plan and they're going to drag me there and have their fun with me, and sometimes I think I'm a little paranoid, but then of course I remember Tess and the feds and I don't feel entirely unjustified in my paranoia. I try not to remember Alex. I have to focus. I'm doing this for Liz, and if I die it will be worth it, wont it? I'm not thinking about that. I'm just hoping that I can trust Isabel, because if I can't I am dead. So I've just got to trust her, and pray to whatever's out there that she actually is on my side.

There's only one way in to the UFO center so we go in before it closes and then hang around until we see Brody go out to start to close up. Then we head downstairs. I tell Is to take the disguise off of me, that if we're caught our best chance is to plead dangerous alien and friend in need. She says he's not Larek anymore. But he trusted me once, and mindwarping wears off. I'm going through his drawers, to find that triangle thing he had when he held us hostage. Isabel opens the locks for me and keeps watch. Then I find it, and then Brody comes down the stairs.

"Who are you? What are you doing down here?

"It's me, Maria. I smile hopefully.

"You, you left, what are you doing in here?

I, I, what do I say, "I want you to take a message to my mom, tell her that I'm all right and that I love her.

"Why won't you tell her yourself?

"Don't you know?

"But the feds are gone, every last one of them. They had all come here to hunt for aliens and their camp blew up, a faulty propane tank or something. The only one who survived said that there was never any evidence, and it was a total pipe dream,

I stare at him. Tess. It had to have been Tess, but then came the worst thought. It's safe to go home.

"He wouldn't listen to me when I told him that I'd been abducted by aliens twice.

And then I realized that I hadn't been running from anything. Maybe everyone else had, but in my running after Liz all I was running away from was my dreams. I had been running because I was afraid to grow up. I wanted someone else to make all the decisions for me. I didn't want to take my destiny in my own hands. I realized that I didn't want to come home. I wanted to go forward. But first I had to save Liz. So I told Brody that I would go see my mom and we left with the triangle thing. And I promised that I wouldn't come back until I had an album.


	44. 44 Liz

43 Liz

I feel good, I feel relaxed, not focused really, and still a bit tired, but I also feel waterlogged and I'm ready to get out of the bath. I manage to climb to my feet, I'm still a little wobbly, but I'm stepping out when the door opens. Phoebe looks at me and takes a little too long to turn bright red and shut her eyes. "Towels in cabinet," she mumbles and closes the door. How old is she? She acts like a ten year old, but I know I'm blushing in response. I get dressed in someone else's clothes that are too big. Ava is downstairs. I think about Tess, and I don't want to, because thinking about her gets me so confused. Things were never simple between us though. She confused me, she was stealing my boyfriend and she made me feel guilty for trying to stop her. She was tiny and innocent and manipulative and evil. She was kissing my boyfriend and I felt oh, okay this is how it's supposed to be. I'm not like Maria, I don't feel like I deserve anything I don't work for. And I didn't feel like I worked for Max. he was just there, and he would go when he wanted to. I didn't own him, and here she was, right on time, to take him away. That was fine, but everyone looked at me funny when it didn't seem like I was going to fight for him. But then he decided that he wanted me, but future Max told me how it had to be, and I wanted Tess to stay, so I made her stay with my own little manipulations. We're not that different. But then Max screwed everything up. He got her pregnant. And then I found out that she had screwed up even worse, and it ended up with Alex dying. I could barely believe it. she had gotten to me too with her little I'm innocent, I'm vulnerable, all I want is love sort of trick. But she was tough, and she got what she wanted, and I admired that too, just like I admired it in Maria. I never had it. all I got was good grades. I didn't have the confidence that any of my blonde friends did, that they showed to the world. But look at me now. I make myself smile. Max was wonderful. I would have been happy with him. Except for two things, the running, and the Tess. I have decided that I am going to have a life. I am going to do what I want to do. If he wont let me then I don't have to be with him. Don't I deserve as much of my dreams as he does. I am not going to Antar as either his queen or his concubine. My life is here, and the fact is that I'm not Tess. My life doesn't revolve around him, and if he wanted it to he should have chosen her. I don't understand why he didn't. She was beautiful. She was complicated, seductive with the face of a child and the eyes of the devil. Was she too easy? Was she not enough of a challenge for you, Max? Did you not feel worthy? Was she too much for you? She was too perfect, too strong, but you could take me, entirely normal, you didn't care about my mind so my excellence in that area meant nothing to you. What was it about me? Did you want someone who would follow your orders? Someone who might actually leave you? I don't know whether it was because I wasn't as amazing as her, or because I was better than her. What if you could have had us both? What if I had let her innocent wickedness mesmerize me? What if I had been confident enough to brush that incorrigible strand of hair out of her face? What if you had watched from the Crashdown while we kissed in the rain? Do you see these crazy fantasies when you kiss me? Do they turn you on? Did I have these fantasies before you showed me how to own her? I can't remember.

I shake it off and step out of the bathroom. Phoebe's leaning against the banister and the remnants of her blush come back. She's a kid, much more of a kid than me. She leads me downstairs to where Ava and the red headed girl who ran out, and apparently came back are setting the table. A woman with dark hair and sharp dark eyes is supervising from the stove. Another girl in light brown pigtails is washing lettuce. The house was very light and pleasant, but it reminded me of a sorority. I wonder if I would have joined a sorority. I wonder what Tess would have studied if she had been, well, human, and not studying how to win Max from a somewhat inept teacher. I wonder what she would have done with her life if she hadn't killed herself, and I wonder why I care? But it's not just about her. If it had been normal for anyone, what would we have done? Maybe Max would have become a doctor, a pediatrician. Maybe Michael would have become an artist, or a construction worker, or joined the Marines. Our fashion goddess Isabel? A model, a designer, a file clerk? Who knows? What about Alex? I don't want to think of it.

Phoebe sits me down even though I am feeling much better, and I watch Ava shuffle around with the plates and silverware. The red headed girl whose name is Paige is looking at her but looking away whenever Ava turns in her direction.

The dark haired woman has called over the pigtailed one and is pointing to a candle and explaining something. Phoebe is sitting next to me, leaning on the table and watching them with a pathetic expression on her face.

I feel kind of free. Love is overrated. I'm not trapped and miserable at the whim of another. I can control whether I'm happy or sad. I'm not dancing carefully around an awkward subject. Sure love is exciting, but it can only be exciting for so long before it gets tiring and falls apart. I wouldn't mind a routine kind of love, one where I'm not terrified every second, dancing between fear of death, fear of being left, and fear of losing your ability to make decisions. All your decisions become theirs, all your choices affect them and your life is not your own. But mine is. My life is my own.


	45. 45 Piper

44 Piper

Is my most difficult and exciting decision where people will sleep tonight? Is it the most dangerous to take the chicken from the oven? I think I'm bored. I think I want something more. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I don't feel alive anymore. I don't feel that rush of life, and I don't want to die yet. Maybe not die physically, but I'm going to die emotionally if I'm trapped in this life. I'm so alone, I'm so frustrated. I'm ready to scream. I shouldn't have gone to her. I shouldn't have. But I did. I slipped into her arms running away from all my problems. It felt so good, it felt like I could do anything, face anything, and I felt like I was flying and I remember it. I feel like I remember her, her face, her mouth, this feeling. I'm terrified, and I'm loving it, and I'm feeling like this is how I want to feel forever. It's crazy. I never thought I'd be in love. I was hurt once, and that was enough. I tried to be in love, but I'm always on the outside, watching, telling myself Ôyou're being stupid. I loved Leo, of course, Leo was safe, Leo was whom I was supposed to be with. I knew that, no matter how many crazy things stood in our way, I was supposed to marry him. Now I feel like I was manipulated. I don't know why. Love changes, can't I blame it on that? Maybe it was too safe, and now I want to be dating a fugitive from the elders. Not dating never dating, just sleeping with occasionally? Maybe dating would be a good thing.

Everyone's eating, everyone's uncomfortable. They pay no attention to the food, only to each other. I know about love, I know how pointless and stupid and dangerous it can be. I'm the smart one, I'm the wise one, then why am I the one who wants to run away. How can this life be more pointless and stupid than anything else? I don't want to be here anymore.

"Is there lunch?

Leo shimmers in, smiling. Liz is the only one staring, it is new to no one else, and even she shrugs it off. He hasn't been here since he told us about Makhi.

"What are you doing here?

He looks a little confused. "Um, I live here, don't I?

"You could have fooled me. I know it's public. I know I shouldn't make a scene, but I don't care anymore.

"Piper, I had work to do. Things are very busy. Did you catch Hudson?

"You weren't around so you wouldn't know what happened in that debacle.

Phoebe looks up, "Hey.

I glare at her, "I can attribute it to you if I want, but wait one second for your share of the blame. I turn to Leo, his wide eyes and worried expression, and I'm burning, "Why are we after Makhi? What exactly did she do to deserve having her wings clipped?

"This isn't just her wings clipped, not after chasing her for thirteen years. She might be eradicated.

"WHY! LEO, TELL ME WHY!" I screamed at him.

"Because of you. He said softly, confusedly.

"What?

"You don't remember because the elders thought it might be too traumatizing for you. She tried to kidnap you. His eyes are worried, but I don't care.

"They wiped my memory?

"It must have been scary.

"Don't mess with me Leo. Why? Why did she try to kidnap me?

"She was infatuated with you, obsessed even. You had just been through a tough time, and it was taking advantage.

Oh god, when was this, my missing week, after herÉ "When was this? I need exact dates.

"They wiped your memory from May twelfth nineteen ninety four to May nineteenth nineteen ninety four.

I hear Phoebe breathe in, in shock, but it's not like mine.

"Leo, do you know why this was a tough time?

He looks down blushing a little, "that girl

"You know! You know and you never even mentioned it! You never told me you knew.

"I wasn't supposed to! But Makhi was watching, and I couldn't let her watch that kind of thing. She was only seventeen.

"What do you mean? What's going on? I don't understand!

"I'm not allowed to tell you. He pleaded. "Just please, for get about it. Makhi's trouble. She broke the rules and she needs to be punished. You couldn't remember, it wasn't supposed to happen this way.

"I need the truth. Someone needs to give me the whole truth.

"Don't be an Oedipus, don't search for your own destruction.

"Leo. The truth will not kill me.

"It will kill us.

"We're already dead. We were dead the day I said lying around waiting for you wasn't worth it anymore and I was going out.

"But, Piper, I love you.

"Why? Because I'm a bitch, because the elders told you to? Tell me something eloquent, tell me something poetic, because love needs poetry like a rose needs a terrace, it will die without support. You were never here.

"I was needed, you don't know what it was like up there. I was a counselor at whitelighter school. They trusted me tons. I flourished with responsibility. I only failed once, and that was the most important time.

"Tell me. I'm going to calm down. I'm going to listen.

"Makhi was one of my students. She was one of the smartest, the best, but she was a little wild. They told me that she was going to be the Charmed ones' whitelighter, but if I didn't straighten her out there would be a huge mess. I tried to tell her this, but she was all, Ôwho cares about the Charmed ones,' teenagers. So I decided to show you to her, so she would care. She liked watching you best. He looked sadly into my eyes. "She would sneak in to the viewing chamber and watch you. She worked really hard at her studies so she could be your whitelighter. I didn't worry too much about her watching you until that day, with that girl.

"What girl?" Phoebe hisses quietly.

"I couldn't believe it myself, I had to get her out of sight, but she was watching so intently. I dragged her out, told her it was gross, and horrible and that she shouldn't watch that, but she looked at me, and her eyes were so sad. The next week she went missing, and I tried to get her back by myself, but I couldn't. She had made contact with you before she was allowed to do so. I called in the elders, and they sent a squad after her, but she managed to escape. They took her from your mind, hoping she hadn't done too much damage, and we've been after her since.

"I do remember her then.

"You can't; they erased her.

"I recognized her when I first saw her. I recognized so much. What happened, Leo? What happened in the week she was with me? I can't believe I don't remember; I can't believe they could do such a thing like that. They wiped my mind, what right had they, how could they? It's so strange; it's not fair. I want to remember what we did. I want to remember her. Why did they tear us apart?

"I don't know. I couldn't tell you if I did, but I don't know.

I nod. There's one person who does know, one person. I look Phoebe in the eye.

"I'm leaving. It's your responsibility to be the oldest sister when I'm gone. Take care of everyone, but don't forget about yourself.

I turn to leave.

"Piper, wait. Leo calls.

I pause for a moment.

"I just want you to know that Makhi was my favorite student. More than that, that she was one of my friends. I know you wont forgive me for being on their side, but, I was the one who told her they were coming for her. You and her were both true friends of mine, all I can do is try my best to be a true friend to you.

I nod and walk out the door, destroying three people's worlds in the process.


	46. 46 Phoebe

45 Phoebe

She left. She's gone, why is she gone? How can she, how, how can she leave me with this, with all this and meÉ I'm not ready! She can't she's my home, my life, my stability. It's not fair! I'm just working myself out. I need time, just a little time, please, Piper, please come back. I can't believe it. She's going to come back, it was just a joke, it was a

She's missing a week. She's missing the week I was missing her. She's not coming back. I don't know why I know, but she's not. That week. I remember seeing her at meals, at school, and she was happy, she was so happy. Then the week after she was hard again. Sullen, cynical, hard and miserable, she was. Did I ask? Did I care? Did I even really notice? Or was I too wrapped up in my high-school reverie to give a damn.

What do I have now? What do I have but a bunch of people who need looking out for? What do I have but her, the one who won't meet my eyes? Paige slides her hand over my elbow; she looks at the group.

"Let's clear up.

People start moving, start working, start going on with their lives.

"She'll be back, come on," Paige whispers to me. But she won't, I know she wont. Life wasn't enough for her here. She's dreaming again,

But everyone leaves me, right? No one really cares. I'm worth nothing. She told me that. I'm not even together enough to organize cleaning up after lunch.

I carry my plate into the kitchen. She's in there, her hands in the dishwater. I stare at her for a while, watching the bounce of her pigtails and the movement of her body.

"Kylie?

She turns. I step into her, my arm sliding around her waist, and I press my lips against her surprised mouth. In her mouth I can taste her laughter, her sweat, her innocence and her liquid. I remember days where we forgot the world encased in each other's arms. And I can feel her hands slowly and carefully detaching me. She doesn't want this, I can tell. I slide to her shoulder and cling in the manner of a limpet.

"Idiot," she whispers softly in my ear. "Come on, Phoebe.

I push away and rub my face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.

"Yes you did. You just wanted a little comfort. Come on, don't be ashamed.

But I'm embarrassed, and sorry, and I want to do it again. I look away.

"Phoebe. I glance at her. She looks almost as worried and embarrassed as I feel. "I'm here for a week. Do you want to go for coffee and talk sometime?

"Yes. It would always be yes. My eyes caress her face. She's all I want, but I might not get her. Do I want her for more of a reason than tangling my body into hers and the sheets? I want to remember how she feels. I want to have this again, the way she slips her hand into mine when I'm feeling bad, how it sent shocks into me that chase away the loneliness. I want the honesty that we didn't have last time. I want to tell her that I love her. I don't want to pretend that when I'm sad and need to be held that all I want is to be pressed against the bed and ravished. That's a good word, ravished. I'm not sure about its application here, but I want to ravish her again, and have her not be mad at me. But coffee. That's good. I can do coffee.


	47. 47 Ava

46 Ava

She's jealous. I can see it in her eyes when ever she looks at Liz. Jealous of what? Jealous because I didn't succumb too soon to lust. Jealous because she was my friend and you were my lover. If Zan was here, be jealous, burn with that jealousy that brings out the dark in your eyes. Would you hurt me if you were scared I'd go back to him? Would you press me down and viciously make me yours? If he were back would I stay with you? Yes. There's no way I would leave with him if there were even a chance of chaste friendship with you. I don't want to go back to the way everyone took advantage of me. Oh, Paige, maybe I've been spoiled by your love, but thanks. Thank you for spoiling me with kindness and love like a red carpet spread out in front of me, making me feel special. No one has ever made me feel special but you. And when you caught me and kissed me I don't care anymore. I know you love me. I know you want me. I know you're complicated and confused and this probably isn't going to work out. But even when I see you I'm not afraid anymore. I just have to see you, just see you and I can take on the world.

Liz is a friend. A young attractive friend who apparently has no interest in relationships because she just walked out on her husband. Why do you think I want her over you?

I take Paige by the back of her arm.

"We should do something.

"Huh. I could hear the change in her breath the moment I touched her arm. Apparently I short-circuit her brain.

"All together, do something.

"Like a movie? she suggests.

"No! why would we all want to go see a movie together, I mean, that's awful, I'm pretty sure not all of us are that interested in

Liz speaks, "why not a movie? Do you have any good ones?

I stare in horror. I'm sorry, but I've never been interested in watching that stuff. Rath liked it. He would go see some and then he would come back and beat me. Lonnie would come back with some new ways of taking me. I can't believe

Leo grins, "we have _Michael_.

Liz smiles, "that's a good one.

Paige rests her hands on my shoulders, "why don't you want to see a movie?

"Look, I'm not ashamed of the things they did to me, but I don't want to watch it.

Liz and Leo are staring blankly at me. Paige is the first one to make the leap.

"It's just a movie, not a porn movie. Have you ever seen a regular movie?

"Huh?

"No sex, we'll make sure there's none if you don't want to.

Liz is cringing a little, Leo is blank in horror. I hate that they look at me like that. But she doesn't, her arms are around my waist. I look her in the eyes.

"I'm not ashamed of what they did to me.

She nods, her eyes never turning away, never flicking to hide the horror. She can see that I am ashamed and she still looks like she wants to kiss me. I would let her, but it's a little complicated right now. She knows that it's what I want, but I'm scared now. She made me feel like I shouldn't want it but she's the only one who understands that I do. It's so complicated. Why won't she just do it to me? But she won't because she loves me, and she doesn't want to hurt me. My vulnerability turns against me with a kind soul. I'm tough though. Maybe if I showed her how tough I can be

It's silly. I don't know if it will ever work, but I like her, no matter what, I think I could be her friend. Once you're my friend it's not easy to lose that. And once I decide what I want, you won't be able to stop me.


	48. 48 Paige

47 Paige

I don't think anyone was watching the movie, except Ava at first. She stared in wonder at the lack of sex and violence, and then I felt her curling towards me, and drifting off on my shoulder. My hand raised up to stroke her hair, I hesitated, there was so many problems, but I gave in to the hedonism and caressed her hair. She snuggled closer to me and closed her eyes. I wanted to lean closer and kiss her on the forehead, but I can't. I slip my arm around her waist and hold her to me.

Phoebe came back from the kitchen followed a little later by Kylie. They sat on opposite sides of the sofa. Liz sat between them, not noticing the tension, a bit closer to Phoebe and talked to her a little. Leo, a little tightness had drifted across his face. There was a ghost in the room, and that ghost made us order in Chinese for dinner. When the movie ended I could feel Liz watching us as I touched Ava's face to wake her up. I didn't kiss her. I don't think I can right now. I feel the night hanging over us as it approaches. We're going to have to face it some time. I wish we could pretend it never happened and just go back to being awkward teenagers who don't even think of sleeping together. But that will only happen if we talk about it, and that's the hard part. I hate thinking about this. It makes my mind sail down that trail. I want to push her down; I want to hurt her just a little. And I hate her for it. I hate me for it. I'm so scared; I want to love her, but my fear of hurting her makes me unable to give her as much as I want to. If onlyÉ it won't be enough for her. She didn't tell me what happened, but I saw it in her mind, that time I surprised her. I saw the beatings, the hurting, and I don't want to hurt her like that. I couldn't, I can't, I will never, never, but even just a little bit drags me down towards that, and I can't let myself do that. I felt what she did; I felt it. I hurt like she did, and I don't know how she took it. I don't know how she bore it over all those years, except, except by what she did, except by turning it into a sign of love. I want to show her what love is really like, what it could be like, but I don't know if it's what she wants, if she wants what she had before or she's willing to try what I can give her.

It's night, what am I going to do? I'm standing in the kitchen doorway watching Ava sit perched on the couch, her knees up and clenched together, her head slightly tucked in. What am I going to do. What will she think? Will she think I'm rejecting her if I make up a bed for her on the sofa, but if I take her to my room will she think I've decided to beat her? This isn't going to work. I walk to the couch. It's time to make a decision.

"We need to talk. She tilts her head sideways to look up at me. Why didn't I sit down next to her and hold her hand when I said this? Because I was afraid, afraid of her, the little girl with the quivering lip-ring on the-oh-so-kissable mouth. How terrifying an alien is she? I reach out, but she doesn't take my hand. She stands, with a stiffness in her shoulders, and starts up the stairs. What does this look like? If Piper was here what would she see? It looks like I'm going to punish her, but not in a good wayÉ no! That is not a good way! How can you think of that as a good way? I don't want to hurt her, but haven't I already?

Up in my room I sit on the bed, and she on the chair. We have never been on the same wavelength about sex; why should that have changed?

"I don't want to hurt you. She looks at me, from the side again.

"I want you to. Her and her ineffable arguments.

"Well, now that we've got that out of the way

She smiles a little. I managed to make her smile; everything can't be lost, can it?

"I know it's not your fault. We're just a little different and it makes things complicated.

"Not just a little different. She looks at me, more steadily now, "You know a little more about my past now, but, I can't explain it away, I'm a reject, I know that, and it's my fault.

"You're not a reject, why are you saying that? She looks straight at me.

"I am. I'm not sure how you managed to deal with the fact that I'm a dead alien queen on her second go-round with life, but I am, but there's more than that though. I'm the first copy, the one that didn't turn out right. When they made me, combined Ava's essence with humanity, they played with the ingredients. Lonnie was made almost exactly like the first Vilondra, she was so tough, and she wanted to rule the world. The first Zan didn't really want to be king, but they needed someone who would leave their home and cross thousands of miles of galaxies to rule a new planet, so they placed the desire for kingship in him, but that's just another desire for power, so they took Ava, who was prettier than me, and stronger than me and they added something to me, something that made it easy for people to want to dominate me, Rath physically, Lonnie sexually, and Zan emotionally. But then they projected us into the future and we failed the test, so they dropped us off somewhere on earth, just in case, and then they started on the next set. They gave Max a dose of responsibility to temper the lust for power. They gave Rath a bit of melancholy to calm his rages. They gave Lonnie er, Isabel guilt, tons of guilt. And my Ôtwin,' Tess, they made her strong. I wish they had given that one to me. They decided that my masochism, as is the clinical term, wasn't good for a queen. So they went about a new way of making people want to dominate her. It was very ingenious. They made her annoying. She was so tough and strong, and she was so good-looking she drove people crazy with lust. She made you want to throw her on the ground, gag her, and hold her down while she tried to scream, and she was made, just like me, to be Zan's plaything. She would be enough to satisfy anyone's lust for power, but she wasn't. He had enough power to throw her away, and toy with her, and hurt her. She killed herself.

My brain can't think. I can't think, I'm stuck, I'm trapped. I don't know what to do, what to think, and most definitely what to say.

"Do you think," she looks at me softly, "that we could be friends?

"Yes, yes, of course we can be friends.

"Where can I sleep? the she smiles and points her finger in my face, "and I am sleeping.

She's sassing me again. Does that mean she feels safe or scared? Or is it where she knows that everything I want is for her, and that I won't hurt her, but she's a little nervous about what I will do.

"You can stay here if you want. Kylie's downstairs and Liz is in Piper's room, but you can sleep wherever you want.

"Are you my friend?

"Yes.

"Can I sleep here without you making a move on me?

"Don't you trust me?

"You? And how have you proven yourself trustworthy?

"Unfair, you were the one who made me say ÔI love you' eight hours after we met.

"I could have gone then.

"Why would you leave? Just being around you makes me feel happy.

"I don't want to make you feel anything else. That started a little tension again. She knows that she made me feel hurt scared and alone, but I did the same, only worse to her. It's all true though. Every word of it. Just talking to her, just being near her, it's enough in some way. And touching her, just a brush of the hand, makes the loneliness go away.

Having her curled around me tonight makes me feel more, more loved than a straight night of fucking could. It feels like more than that. It feels like having a friend is better than having a lover. I don't know. No one says that's true, but it feels better, really, it feels I hold her small body in my arms. It feels like home.


	49. 49 Isabel

48 Isabel

I watched her again tonight. I watched her pretend to sleep. She tossed and turned over what we knew now. We saw the place where they had been blown up, nothing, there was nothing but a crater. She didn't want to see her mom. I didn't want to see my parents. Everything was different now. Suddenly we had a place to go back to, and a family again. I didn't know how desperately I wanted my family back until I could have them, and chose not to. There are other things to do first. I have to find Max; I have to tell him. But there's one thing that keeps running through my head. "I will just pray that someday it will be safe enough. And I watch her pretend to sleep, and my fantasies run through my mind, and who am I but Vilondra, breaking promises, breaking so many promises. But maybe I won't be a heartbreaker, not a seducer, and not a destroyer of worlds. I'll go back to him. I'll try to fall in love with him again. I'll give up these crazy stupid fantasies. I'll never be her lover. She wants nothing to do with me. It would be so easy just to go back to him. Give everything up. I'm not going to own her. She'll never cry my name. She'll never love me; she'll never

She opens her eyes and looks at me looking at her. Her eyes are so sharp, her lips, oh god, this is unfair!

She reaches out and caresses my face. I look like myself at night, she said she was uncomfortable sleeping with a strange guy. I didn't think

"I can't sleep," she was looking at me, at me! "I need to stop thinking.

Her hand goes around my head, into my hair and she pulls me down, I sink into her lips, sink so deeply. I can't do this, but I don't want anything else. I slip my fingers into her hair. I kiss her, and kiss her. I could never stop, I never want to. But this is my only chance, just one, in some unknown motel room, under fake names, needing to be separate from our old lives and the new ones that may come.

It's so easy sometimes, sometimes you just know what you really want. And I prepared, I prepared to hear Michael, or even Liz, or maybe my narcissistic seductress would call her own. But it was me, it was for me and my stomach plunged, my heart raced, at hearing the name from her lips. I couldn't have been more shocked if she screamed Vilondra, well, I might have been a little more shocked. I felt like she was mine, and we finally slept, the nightmare-free sleep of the wicked.

And she's here, like she has been for a while now, her hair splayed on the pillow, her lips kissed free of makeup, completely detached from the world, completely detached from me. And it's fine. I don't mind anymore. I've had her once, delved into sinful pleasure, had everything that I wanted. I don't have to feel deprived anymore. I can go back to Jesse. I can start a life, start living, not running, and when she becomes a famous musician I will never say, ÔI had her once. But I'll think it. I just have to tell Max and Michael that it's safe. That we can be here, we can be alive.

She might be embarrassed when she wakes up. She might regret it. I just want to make this easy. I slip out of bed and get dressed, then start cleaning up, re-packing.

Maria rolls over and wakes up. "Is?" she looks around, then she notices her lack of clothes and eeps. I glance over and roll my eyes. Then I chuck her clothes at her and head into the bathroom.

I brush my teeth and fix my face and wait until I figure it's safe, and head back in. She's putting her bra on. She looks at me, blushes a little and pulls her shirt over her head. I pick up the bag and swing it over my shoulder.

"I need to get gas. Will you be ready in ten minutes or should I come back for you?

She looks at me, a little worried. "Is that it? That's just it? You fuck me and that's it?

"I figured that would be just right. Her eyes widen. "I'm not saying you're not luscious and uber-fuckable, but we're moving on, right?

"But, you

"What? You want me to pine over you forever? You don't want anything more," and I'm not going to be vulnerable.

She laughs, "You're right. Apparently you can read me very well. She pouts at me, making a reference to other sensitivity I have.

"Well I'm not a guy. I have to have a little more experience, right?

She would have blushed if she were Liz, but Maria doesn't blush, she likes it.

"Your skill is unmistakable," she drawls, "I'll be ready to go soon. And she rushes into the bathroom. Well, she's not going to pine over me either. I like her. It's frustrating and embarrassing, but I think I like her. I'm not just drooling over her body or her lips. I think I like her, as a friend thing,


	50. 50 Liz

49 Liz

I feel really weird, and I can't sleep. Part of that could be from the fact I'm sleeping in the bed of the person who just walked out of the house. And possibly that the walls are thin and in the room next to me, Ava and Paige were talking about Tess, and a lot of things that I probably shouldn't have been eavesdropping on. Now whenever I close my eyes all I can see is Tess. I don't want to think about her, it's too complicated. I'm trying not to. I'm really trying to focus on something else. I think about Max or Dad or Biology, but my mind always slips back to kissing my way up her smooth face. Look, I know I was attracted to her when she first showed up, it was a horrible feeling that I couldn't control, but I got over that. I did a lot of complicated things; she confused me. But she fucked up my life! It's not fair. Nothing's fair, ah the futile scream against the whip of the universe. It's not fair. She messed me up, entirely. I don't want to sleep with her. I really don't. I don't understand why I feel this way. She's dead. I never felt like this until she died, I never couldn't control my mind. Maybe it's not her. Maybe it's a metaphor. She's my dreams, killed by aliens, but I want her so much I'm going to fight to bring her back, or them back, or whatever. That's satisfactory.

But when I close my eyes there she is again. If she wasn't dead I'd think she was messing with my mind. Suddenly I feel cold and dark. My head isn't full of her anymore. Yes. I lean back into my pillow and relax. I slowly pull her back into my mind and start undressing her. I really don't have a problem thinking about her, if I think it's my choice. If it's not scaring me and hurting me. But I don't mind using her as a pacifier. She's dead. No one knows, no one cares if I play with her in the privacy of my own head. Isabel might, but I really hope she's lost the habit of wandering in other people's minds for fun.

I feel that shudder in my stomach as I picture her demon's eyes on me. When you're like me it's easy to fall into fantasy. I was never a knockout. I never really worried about it, but Kyle was really just a friend, and Max? well it was crazy, an alien. I was ready for a taste of danger, and being liked was pretty cool. I don't think I had ever felt that wanted, ever. But I had a habit of fantasy. It was lucky Isabel was more interested in dreamwalking Maria, or she might have not been so happy with her brother's choice of girlfriend.

It was easy to use Tess in my get to sleep fantasies, because I didn't really like her. I pitied her when she was vulnerable, or pretended she was, but I preferred the flashes of anger and bitterness, when she was faking it a little obviously. It's easy to use someone you don't much like, but who you think is one of the most attractive people on this earth at the moment. So she was a little mean and a bit of a seductress in my mind. I didn't mind. But now I think of her and I see her vulnerable, being hurt and used. I didn't think of her like that. She had a little more strength than her vulnerable persona. A lot more strength. Later we found out how strong her determination was, how evil she was, and I don't want to remember it, but when I found out it was her, when I found out she was a murderer, and had slept with Max, and had done all these things, my first reaction wasn't fear or disgust, it was one of uncontrollable lust. And I didn't want to be like that. I didn't want to be turned on by danger or evil. It passed quickly, but whenever I saw her, especially when she was angry, or thought of her killing, avenging demoness, she made me hot. I hated it. I hated myself. But she left. She was gone, so gone, and everything started to fade. Sure sometimes I would have an image of her coming down, power sourcing from her fingertips and I tighten up in fear and lust. But then she came back. She came back and then she came to me, and then her vulnerability didn't seem so fake. It feltÉ she did it. She killed herself, the fireball, oh god. I can see it, all the time, I can see it, it's emblazoned on the inside of my eyelids.

She's dead now. I'm not going to worry about guilt. I didn't rape her. Max did. She played her self so vulnerable, and when someone finally took advantage of that vulnerability she was shocked and scared and whimpering because she know that this was what she had wanted, had fought so desperately for, and was it worth it? did it make her happy? Did it give her the happy ever after she thought she was going to have? Obviously not since she decided to kill herself. Obviously not.

I don't care. I don't care dammit. I'm so confused. I don't know what I'm feeling. Fine, I was attracted to her. Yes. I was. I didn't like her. I didn't. Then I was attracted to her again, but I hated her. And then she was dead and I felt sick and guilty. And then I slept with Max and I knew what she was like when she was entirely vulnerable, and I pitied her, and I was attracted to her, but it doesn't add up. It doesn't make sense. I was always attracted to her when she wasn't vulnerable, and when she was I just disliked her. It doesn't make sense. Was this different? Was her vulnerability real? I don't know. This time, I just don't know.


	51. 51 Piper

50 Piper

I go to P3 when I need her, and she's always there. She smiled at me took my hand and pulled me close to her, but I just looked at her, my eyes running up and down her face, trying to break through to the memory. But I could remember everything, forward, backward, just seeing her. I remembered this expression, seeing it in the future and the past, but I didn't know what happened. I slipped my hands around her waist.

"Let's go. I whispered. And we orbed purple into her bedroom. She sat on the bed and looked out from black curls at me. I slowly settled next to her.

"I want to remember that week. They took it from me, I want to remember.

She reached out and touched my temple.

"Then remember.

I hate myself. It's so embarrassing. I feel sick. I feel so sick. I want to go home, but I am home, and I still feel lost. I can't believe it, I can't believe she did that to me. I can't. She looked at me like I was nothing, like I was disgusting, horrible, an untouchable. It was so different from the way she looked at me before. Maybe she didn't really look at me. I can't believe I did that with her. I let her do this to me, I opened up everything, everything! I was so stupid. I would never let anyone touch me, but I let her. The way I felt, the way I feelÉ why does it burn this much?

I'm going to vomit, oh god I'm going to vomit. I plunk to my knees on the bathroom tile and shut my eyes. The sight of my throw-up only makes me want to puke more. But I'm just crying; I'm crying and screaming, it's not fair. It's not fair! How could she do this to me? How could she fool me into trusting her enough? It was a challenge; oh fuck me. It was a test of my control, could I get her into bed with me, could I seduce her. I did, I got her; I got everything I tried for. But I got fucked over. What did I expect?

I expected her to keep a secret. I expected her to protect us both by protecting herself, but she twisted it around, she talked it around, protected herself and threw me to the wolves. Fuck her! I hate her! I hate her so much! I had her. I had her body and no one will ever listen to me, and I wouldn't tell. God I'm weak, but I can't. I couldn't tell. I'm so weak! I fingerfucked her, I savaged her, and it wasn't like she didn't want it, it wasn't like she didn't reciprocate, ooh SAT word. And then she savaged me worse, she told people, she told them, and no one in this school will ever look at me again. At least they wont see me. They'll see that weird dyke girl. But I'm out of here in a month and I'll never feel again. I'm never going to feel.

I stood up and stared at my red eyes in the mirror, my childish, vulnerable, chubby face looks back. Why did she even do it? Why did she do it with me? Just to do this to me? I wipe my face with cold water and pull my hair back into a tail. I don't give up. I will go to school every fucking day for the rest of the year, and let them laugh at me, let them look at me. I don't care! I don't. I don't care about anything. Why should I? Nothing will touch me, any emotion is weakness, all I have is strength, all I can do is make them feel weak in response to my strength.

I walk down the hallway. I don't care if anyone sees. I don't care if Prue sees my crying, or if Phoebe comes in, or if Grams sees me. I don't want them to, I'm crying, I'm weak. Straighten shoulders, wipe face. I march into my room and shut the door and lock it. Then I sink against the door, crumpling.

"Piper? There's a hand on my shoulder. I jump up and spin around. I don't want anyone to see me like this.

There is a girl in my room. She's lanky and somewhat awkward with short black hair, thick and wavy with ringlets that guard her face and bounce like slinkies. She looks really nervous.

"Who are you? What are you doing here? How do you know my name?

"Um, I'm Mackie, I just, I just wanted to make sure you're all right.

She looks so nervous, but she's really cute. Wait! Stop that! What happened to the not feeling thing? Remember? And the no more girls ever thing?

"What do you mean, make sure that I'm all right?

"Well," she looks traumatized, "I saw what she did to you," oh god, "and then you were crying and it looked like you were never going to stop, and I was really scared, and I don't want you to be unhappy.

"Do you go to my school?

"No. She shies away from a full reply.

"How do you know what happened?

She traces circles on her jeans with a finger, "I've been watching you?

"Why? How? What is going on?

I am stomping around like a maniac, but she grabs my hand. At the touch heat shoots through me and turns my stomach on its head. She smiles at me. I think cute was an understatement.

"I'm your guardian angel, in training. I stare at her, okay cute definitely, but insane certifiably. I think I have a stalker. "Honest I am, and I've been watching you on the viewscreen because she stopped and got all embarrassed again.

"Watching me on the viewscreen?

"I don't watch when you're in the bathroom or anything. I'm making her start to blush, I want to make her blush more.

"Do you watch me when I'm changing? Oh yes, I've got the purple tint there, and no matter what she says I know it's true. But, oh gosh, she doesn't look away when I'm changing; she doesn't look away some other times.

"So you saw the thing. She knows what I mean, I can see it in her face, and it totally freaks her out.

"I can't believe," she's perched on the bed and staring down at her hands. "I can't believe she would do that to you.

She thinks it's sick. "I sedÉ" I started, but she looked at me, a little wild eyed and I froze.

"That she would say those things about you.

"But they were true, weren't they. You watched. I spit it. I can be a bitch, even to her, but I don't care.

"Will you kiss me?

Huh? I stare at her, my mouth slowly drooping open. All the blood has drained out of her face and she is clenching the blanket with both fists. She wants me to kiss her? She's not freaked or disgusted or horrified. She wants to kiss me? I, I don't know what I'm supposed to do. She's super cute, but I don't know how to do this. I like her. I want to kiss her, I really want to, but oh god it's notÉ fair? I don't mean that. Of course it's not fair, there's a cute girl in my room who says that she's my guardian angel and wants to kiss me, this is not fair in any way, this is the most super thing ever, but I'm so scared, so so scared. I don't know how to kiss her like I want to. I want to kiss her like the people in the movies, but I don't know how, I've never done this before, she didn't want to kiss me, all she wanted was what I could do for her stupid little pleasure gland. Don't think about her. With this girl here, wanting to kiss me, it just makes me feel sick. I want to kiss her, she looks so scared. God I want this.

"Okay." I sit next to her on the bed and look at her. Fear grips my stomach. I can't move, I I put my hand on hers and I lean in. There's bright sparkly light and she's gone. What? What happened, was I imagining her, was I imagining things? But I felt her hand under mine. Then I turn around. She's standing near the dresser, mortified in embarrassment.

"Sorry, I was just

"Scared. I walk over to her. "You wanted me to kiss you.

"But I didn't think you were going to.

"I haven't yet. Do you really want to?

She looks at me, begging, "yes.

I step forward and take both her hands. I'm a bit shorter than her. She's clenching my hands really tightly. I really want to kiss her. I stand on my toes and lean in to press my lips against hers. A second or two later I pull away and look at her. "It would help if you kissed me back.

The blush is returning. I pull her over to the bed and we sit down again, then I slide closer to her and get up on my knees.

"Come on. I whisper, and take her lips again. Lightning plunges through my stomach. It feels like fear. She's kissing me back. It's terrifying, but she's really kissing me back.

This is crazy, so amazing, so freaking super killer mad dude yes! We break apart and she glances away, blushing, too embarrassed to start again. I flop backwards onto the bed.

"Wow." I let it out. She stares at me, and then she's grinning. She lies down next to me and I stare at her seriously. "You won't ever hurt me, will you?" I ask.

"Never," she replies, and I know she means it with every ounce of her soul.

The days blaze by far too quickly after that, we spend ages just lying on the bed and talking, telling each other everything about our lives. At night she sleeps curled up in my arms. In the mornings when I'm supposed to be at school we go walking around the city, hanging out and having fun. I had never been happy like this, never felt this way like the world didn't matter, like nothing could go wrong, nothing split us apart. But then came Saturday when the young man with wild eyes orbed into my room when we were making out.

"Mackie! They're coming for you. They said you endangered her, endangered their plans, they're going to get rid of you.

"I'll fight," she said.

"I'll fight with you.

"You can't fight! You'll end up dead. There's no choice here, you have to run.

I clench her hand. I don't want to let her go, but

"They're coming so soon.

"Where do I run to, Leo? How do I get away?

Leo turned to me, "your powers, you're not supposed to have them yet, but they're in you. God, how many rules am I breaking by telling you this? But one of your powers is over time, if you can knock her out of the time stream they won't be able to trace her.

"How? How do I do it?

"God, I don't know, I have no idea, but you have to, they're coming, they're almost here. He orbs out.

I turn to Mackie and grabbing her shoulders press my lips against hers, then suddenly I shove her with everything inside and out, she stumbles backwards and flickers weirdly, then she looks slightly upward, like she's feeling something. She steps forward and kisses me and I feel endless, I'm kissing her one thousand different times and more. She steps back and she's gone, the purple lights fade. My room seems to explode with men in black cloaks, one touches my head and everything goes black.

I glance up at Makhi. She bites her lip; I just look at her.

"When did you start spelling your name funny?

Everything drops away. I'm in her arms again and everything is all right.


	52. 52 Liz

51 Liz

I smell smoke. I sit up in bed and sniff deeply. Toast, burnt toast. I climb out of someone else's bed, go through someone else's closet and put on someone else's clothes. I don't think I can stay here for too long. But if I wasn't here what would I be wearing? The same thing that I've worn since my stuff was stolen? The only thing I have is a small wad of papers, tucked into an envelope, that I kept in my pants. I sit on the bed and take it out. I unfold the slips of paper. My driver's license falls out, then my social security card. Max would have killed me, figuratively, if he knew I had them on me. You get to distinguish between hyperbole and relation of exact events when people are actually trying to kill you. But if I was dead, I'd want to be taken home. I know they'd probably take my corpse in for testing, but maybe, eventually, I'd be taken back to my parents and they could bury me. There's my pessimistic alien reason for having these, but I also have my acceptance letter from Northwestern, a copy of my transcript, ACT scores, AP scores, and this thick sheaf, just an application, the one that got me in. I have everything here that I needed for my other life. The one without aliens, the one that's going to start again. Right now.

I march down the stairs. Kylie is under a blanket on the couch pressing a pillow over her head to block out the noises from the kitchen. I go in. Phoebe drops a pan lid on the floor, black smoke fumes from the toaster. She collapses on my shoulder. "I can't do this! I can't do any of this! I can't take her place. I want Piper back!

I escort her out of the kitchen and she collapses into an armchair.

"Where can I get onto the internet?" I ask.

"Laptop, Paige's room," she replies, then she returns to wallowing in self pity. I have no time to waste. I am on a mission. I go back upstairs and knock on the closed door. There is a small shriek, and a "Paige! Remember? We promised.

I rest my forehead in my hand.

"We didn't promise, we just said it was a good idea. Then there are small noises. I knock again.

"Can I use the computer?

There's another shriek, this one louder, a thud, and an "oww.

A few moments later Ava opens the door, makeup washed away, hair flat and mussed, and looking freakishly like Tess, except she could never really look like Tess, everything about her is soft, and Tess was never soft. Paige is climbing off the floor. She catches sight of me and her eyes burn. I look at her, then at Ava, and then back to those flaming eyes. She is desperately jealous of me. Yeah, staying here, not a long term plan. Ava proffers a laptop and I take it, then turn around. The door closes and I relax and head downstairs. Kylie is missing from her couch and I can smell coffee. Phoebe is no longer wallowing; she can smell the coffee too and has perked up. I sit on Kylie's blanket and open the laptop. They have an airport. I connect to the internet and go to the UC site, applications

Paige comes downstairs, her hair up in a ponytail. Kylie comes out of the kitchen and puts coffee on the table next to me and brings some to Phoebe. Then there's a knock on the door. Ava's coming down the stairs. Paige goes to answer the door.

Here it is, spring semester

"There she is! shouts a very familiar voice. There's stomping. Paige shouts. A feeling like my molecules have taken on super speeds floods through me. I look. Maria has Ava by the throat, and Isabel is standing in the entryway holding the black polygonal thing.

"You're free, Liz! She can't mindwarp you with this going!

I stand up, "Maria! What are you doing, talking Then I stop. My head feels clear for the first time in weeks. Tess, hatred wells up, as full as it used to be, with that tinge of disgust that let me feel so free in my righteousness.

"Ava! Paige raised her hand, Ava dissolves in blue sparkles and then appears in Paige's arms. Maria stares in shock. Kylie steps forward, twists her hand, and flame bursts from her fingertips. It swirls about the size of a softball and flies in and out on a stream of flame, like she's tossing it up and down.

"Wait, stop! I yell.

"Maria, Paige, Kylie, Stop! I need to think!

"No time darling, no time. I'm here.

"Tess. She walked in the door, she pushed past Isabel who stumbled backwards, staring, disbelieving. She stood in the middle of the room and grinned viciously. She was so hard, it made me hot, fuck. She looks at me, shakes her head and turns to Maria.

"Who would have thought? You were right. She didn't even believe you though she went along with your weird idea. Tess indicated Isabel. "I was alive, I was messing with Liz's mind, but one thing you were wrong about, she left you behind, that had nothing to do with me. She was always going to leave you behind, thanks to this alien disaster she you got to hold on to her for a little longer, but she left because she wanted a new life, one without you in it.

Maria slumped a little, staring at her, staring at me. Tess was always better at messing with our minds when she never used her powers. I left my best friend behind and I never thought about her. But why should I have? We have to live our own lives some time. I have to live mine and she has to live hers, and

Tess is alive. She was mindwarping me. Oh god, I'm blushing, I'm turning purple, I'm, it's as bad as dreamwalking, she was in my head, playing with my thoughts, my memories, playing with the flashes. I slump to my knees. The flashes hit me again, but they're the real ones this time. This is how it should have been. A little seductress, minx is such a perfect word. I don't, I'm not, I can't make love to her right now! There are more important things going on. I break out of the flashes.

"Are you sure that thing is working! I yell at Isabel.

Tess walks towards me. "it's working. I've been working hard at your head, not completely monopolizing you like Alex, but just touching up your memories, I'm just a painter to the canvas of your brain. It took a lot of work to make me weak and vulnerable, like her. She viciously gestured toward Ava. "but it worked, your flood of guilt took you away from Max.

"No. I stared at her, "why should that have worked? When did being vulnerable make me think of you with guilt? You were bad, and you wereÉ" I blushed then gritted my teeth, "sexy. You were vulnerable and you disgusted me, playing up your weaknesses that you didn't even have. Everyone knew you were tough and didn't have a value for human life. The star-crossed lovers gimmick didn't work. And the fact is, I don't want Max anymore! I tried to give him to you like ten times but I couldn't get rid of him. I've left him now; go take him. It's always about Max for you, Max, Max, Max!

She looked at me.

"Liz, I've been seducing you in your head for months now. I've moved on. I want you.

Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, ohÉ I press my fingers against the bridge of my nose.

Then I saw her, she was curled into her stomach, and she was laughing. She was laughing at me. Fine! I march up to her and smack her in the face. She stumbles back and looks up and grins.

"I am not an angry person! I am not an emotionally involved person! I just want to go to college. I just want to live my life. I don't want any more alien melodrama!

Isabel stepped forward, "Liz, we have to tell you, all the feds are gone, it's safe.

Tess bowed. "I had to finish the job.

"It's safe. I repeated slowly. I can go home. I don't want to go home. This doesn't change anything. I want to go to college, I want to learn things, and I don't want to do this! "Fine, great, thank you Tess, I appreciate your explosive nature, as long as you don't want to kill me or interfere in my life I am moving on.

I have had enough of this confrontation. I want someone to hold me now.


	53. 53 Ava

52 Ava

Tess whirled looking for someone who she could dominate with her words. Liz had broken free from her spider webs. She found me. Why is she so angry? What does she want? I stepped forward, "Tess I barely started before her eyes lit up in glee.

"So, how are things going, my little duplicate? How is life with your girlfriend?

"She's a friend, Tess, please

"Please what, should I not tell her about certain things?  
"She knows.

"Everything?

"More than most, more than you.

"Well, we never really had the chance to talk.

"No, but you never talk to people, not really, couldn't you stop fighting everything for once? What do you want Tess? What are you searching for?

"You're not as good at this as I am.

"Because people aren't afraid of me? It's so much easier to believe someone you trust.

"Why do people trust you? You're just like me. You have the same power that I do, the same ability to pervert people's minds, and you grew up in a hell hole. Why should you have people's trust? Are you better at the touch up than I am? Can you stroke people's minds, painting trust on their malleable canvas?

"No? I almost never use it! I'm not like you, Tess. I don't have the right to interfere in people's heads.

"If you have the power, you have the right.

She's wrong. Everyone knows she's wrong. But I can see the doubt in their eyes. Everyone here has tasted the power, only Tess ignores the bitter flavor of the consequences.

"Why do you think you ended up like this? Why do you think you're here, begging for our help, because that's what you're doing even if you don't know it? Mindwarping wears off, and if you want to find a place, a home, you can't manipulate it with temporary powers. You never learned that it was temporary. I learned with the first beating, when it wore off of Rath. I would have died if I kept trying to manipulate people with my powers. Our power is just as dangerous as everyone else's, more so. Who do you want to be, Tess? You have to be who you want to be, and then it will be real, not just a game.

"Who did you decide to be? What got you this?

"I became who I was, unashamed of my past, but I did my best to wipe away how it had affected me. I don't want to be weak and easily manipulated by anyone who decides to try, and I never will be again. I make decisions for myself.

"But how do you break free of who you were. I know how you did it, by running away. But I don't want to run away.

"You must step on your pride.

"My pride is the only thing I have.

"And it's worthless.

Tess was listening to me, listening to herself maybe. I don't know if I was right or wrong, but I look at her and I think of her as my little sister, too tough for her own good, who needs help and I'm the only one who can tell her what she should do; the only one she'll listen to.

"So, who wants Chinese for lunch? Phoebe managed to break in.

"Fine.

"Fine.

"Pot-stickers!" exclaimed Maria.

"Fine.

"Fine.

"Am I invited?" asked Tess.

"Sure, can I get a donation of eight dollars from all present?

I don't think Tess is going to take to not using her powers easily, but sometimes its hard for me to remember that I have them. I can't use them freely. I know the rules. I'm not sure if she even wants to try. But I think that she's sick of futilely fighting for something she's not sure she wants, but knows she can never have. And I really cannot wait until all the alien drama moves out of my life and I can get of with figuring myself out. I'm having enough trouble as it is. We said that we'd be friends, but I don't know if that's going to work. Neither of us are expecting it to work for long, but I just have to get everything organized. Once everything is organized things will start falling into place.


	54. 54 Isabel

54 Isabel

Max and Michael arrived ten minutes ago. I haven't told them yet, about what happened, about what Tess did for us. Right now everyone is arguing about what to do with her. She's just sitting on the floor staring at her hands. I don't know what's going through her head. I don't think anyone knows what's going through her head. I feel like Maria thinks she made a mistake, not with me, how could that _ever_ be a mistake, but she keeps on staring into the kitchen. She can't see Liz from here, she's behind the wall, and she doesn't care. She made her decision already, as I've made mine. I don't need to be here except to tell them what happened. Maria's here because she wants someone to change her mind, someone, anyone to tell her she's wanted. But even I told her that she was just fun. She gives it up too easy-she always has. I don't need to be convinced, I just need to tell them. Kyle's keeping an eye on Tess. He was the closest to her, and she hurt him the most. He's not listening to the argument. He knows he's not invited. I wonder if he's wondering about what he's going to do. I wonder if he would go home if he knew, but he was the one of us who could always go home, he came to get out of Roswell, leave the small town and the small town dreams behind. I wonder if Jesse would find him a job. I wonder if Jesse's moved on, found someone else since graduation. I wonder if just going back to him will be enough for me. I never really had dreams, I just invaded other people's. I wasn't like Liz knowing exactly what I wanted and after this crazy alien detour she's back on track. I just wanted a family, my family, but now they're leaving me for an alien planet, but I won't go with them. I can't, they don't understand that it's real, that the Antar that's made up, inside their heads, a mixture of memories and comic books isn't real. They're just like little boys, wanting to play at being king. Don't they realize that being king won't change their lives. They'll still be as human and as fucked up as they always were. I know what I was like back then, delusional, self-centered, disgusting. They don't have as many memories as I do. They don't have to try to force their own minds apart, this is Isabel, this is me, that's Vilondra, don't listen to her, or is it Vilondra, is there a difference at all, is it all just me, combining those terrifying thoughts with a strong tie to home and family. Think of the dupes, Max, not dead Zan or poor Ava, but of Rath and Lonnie. Think of them and learn who you really are. Don't go, Max! Don't go!

"Max! We can go home now. Tess blew up the last of the Alien Hunters. They don't believe in us anymore. Let's go home.

He looks at me and I know it's not going to change anything. It's not going to help. My brother's going to Antar and I can't stop him.

Ava's still arguing with him. She knows what it's like for people to want this without knowing what they're getting into. To want it so much that they're willing to do anything to get it. they're willing to leave me. Leave Liz and Maria, leave everything for a stupid dream.


	55. 55 Phoebe

53 Phoebe

No one told me that washing dishes was very Zen. You get into the zone between the soap and the trying not to think about what the remains on this dish could be. You feel satisfied in the job, getting every dish so it shines. Stacking the dishes up and having them disappear without noticing. Things fall into place while you're washing dishes. None of the crazy things happening in my life really seem to matter quite as much as getting the remains of General Tso's chicken off the plate. It's amazing how the human mind deals with things, being able to forget, refocus, not have the whole world overwhelm you, not be afraid of the things that could happen every day. Who knows when another meteor could strike the earth, who knows when you'll step out of your front door and get run over by some crazed drunk driver. If you thought about all the things that could happen to you, the things that happen to other people every day, we would never leave our homes, never be able to face the living world. But we can get lost in little things, just focus on what is happening next, not worry about what could happen, just living, day by day, minute by minute, lapsing into boredom, not thanking the higher being for one more moment of life, one moment like this which is pure happiness, just being alive, the vague promise that death does not await everyone and that maybe you'll be the one to defy the odds, to do everything that you want to do, or that every day will be like this, and that's enough. If only every day would be like this in the future, but I've had too many good things that I've taken for granted. Even having a sister, one I no longer have, and another who has left us behind. I never think of my time in New York without lingering regret, for the person I was, for the person she could care about, who disappeared, I don't know where to, I wish I did, because I would hunt her down in a second.

"Hurry up with that plate, I'm finished putting away what's in the drainer, you're not falling asleep are you?

I jolt out of my reverie, finding I have been rubbing circles on the same plate for the past five minutes. Kylie has prodded me in the side and is grinning at me in that completely obnoxious ÔI've got you now' way that makes me want to pick her up and carry her off and kiss the smirk off her face, but, she doesn't want me to.

Why am I so obsessed over this? I'm having an Alien face-off in my living room, but I'm frustrated because my ex doesn't want me back. But one thing I'm not going to do is push it. if she doesn't want me, that's fine, I don't mind, I don't care, well, I do care, but I will not try to change her mind. It's her decision and I will let her go, you have to be able to let go. I have to let her go or I'll just prove that I'm weak and needy and not a whole person on my own, the whole reason she left me in the first place.

Liz has given up on the Alien stand-off. She's sitting at the kitchen table, filling out the UC application. Paige comes in to get lemonade for everyone. Voices raise outside and then they lower again. They'll figure something out. Who's going to run their revolution on their home planet and who's staying here, and what they're going to do with "the fourth alien. The only person they never seem to ask is her. I don't think she knows what she wants, but it would be nice to ask.

I finish the last dish and unplug the sink, or at least I try to unplug the sink. The plug comes out but the water stays right where it is. Plugged. I know what to do. I fill the second sink with water and then walk out into the living room in search of the plunger.

"Paige, do you know where Piper keeps the plunger?

She looks at me. "What happened? she asks darkly. Why does she always read into things that are none of her business?

"Nothing. The sink's plugged and I'm trying to fix it.

"I think I should call Leo for this.

"Oh yeah, like pansy boy's going to be any good at actually fixing something besides a human.

"Phoebe.

"I'm right. I can fix the sink. But the little brat called for Leo. He pops down from up above, and asks vaguely panicked, expecting a massive demon attack or one near death, not the convention of humanoid aliens and Paige informing him that, "the sink is plugged.

"Oh, um. He wanders into the kitchen. I think logically and locate the plunger in the umbrella stand. This is Piper logic, not mine: Ôit's the same shape, sort of. And head back to the kitchen. Leo has his head under my sink with a wrench. He is going to break a water main and a geyser will take out half our house. I march up to him, grab the back of his shirt and drag him out. "What are you doing under there! It's a clogged sink, not a take the entire sink apart and transform it into a water propelled musical instrument!

I plunge the sink in the correct way. Twelve plunges and the water flows away like sand in an hourglass, or like water in a properly draining sink. I push my hair back, and tossing my head I catch sight of Kylie standing in the doorway and watching me, smiling. I saunter up.

"Do I know how to fix a sink? I grin.

"It is merely an aspect of your excellence. She grins back at me. Her eyes look like they used to, flaming, desirous. Suddenly my stomach plummets in fear.

"Do you, do you want to get coffee tomorrow?

Her grin falls. She looks at me slowly and intently, "yes, I would very much like to get coffee with you tomorrow.

My world is soaring in the sky. Let me cling to this moment for as long as I am able to. But I have to turn. I have to wash my hands, I have to try to ignore the laser rays of Kylie's eyes burning into my back. I want to take it as an invitation, saying _yes_ let's just go and be the way we used to. But it's not that easy. We can't just go back, you always have to go forward.


	56. 56 Paige

55 Paige

When you're a witch you worry about how people won't understand your life; you never think you're going to be the one on the outside. But after listening to the aliens fight about their lives, complain about their solitude, exclusion from the world, and fight for their lives, I realized how little being a witch affects my life. I mean besides a demon invasion or twoÉ being a witch is like a hobby. I mean some things happen, embarrassing, deadly, but no worse than an occasionally family outing of hang-gliding or bungee jumping will affect your life, but these kids have lived with the fear of discovery for so long. We weren't given our powers until we were older, we should have been old enough to get past the neurosis caused by living life. some of us managed it, but most of us are still teenagers, trying to work life out and always thinking about sex. Why can't I have grown up yet? Why can't I just embrace my work, which I do love, and find fulfillment there? Why am I so lost? And she makes me feel safe and scared and fulfilled and empty all at the same time. I want her too much and I'm disgusted with myself. I'm tired and depressed and her touch makes me whole, and I'm so gross. I want to be able to escape from my body and love her without any of that messiness getting involved. I want someone to take care of me, I've been alone for so long, but everyone abandons me, my parents, my foster parent, my boyfriends, my hope, and now Piper. Even she left me, even Ava, but she came back. She's the only one who ever came back. I don't ever want to let her go but if I hold her too tight will she leave again? Did she come back for me, or for Liz? She ran after me though, and she's shown me more of her pain than anyone I've ever known, though she has more than them as well. She wasn't abandoned, but she never wishes she was though. I see that image of her, standing in front of a mirror, naked, with a razor blade cut down her temple the blood trickling down her chin, her body bruised and used, but she's not crying, not disgusted, not terrified, just looking at herself, eyes soft like always, taking it all in, and then touching herself, her bruises, with savage faces flashing in her mind, closing her eyes and touching more, hurting herself just so she wouldn't feel alone.

I step forward and slip my arms around her waist, she glances up at me, bemused and then turns back to the conversation, snuggling just a little deeper into my arms.

Max and Michael stand up. "We're sorry," says Max, "but we're going. This is something I have to do.

"If you need to escape don't be afraid to come back," Ava said.

"Thank you. We're sorry to leave you with her. He spared one look to Tess, "But we don't have the time to deal with her right now. We're leaving tonight.

"Max Isabel pleaded.

"Good luck Is. This is your chance to find out what you really want. I know what I need to do. I love you.

"I love you too, Max.

He left, with one hesitant glance toward the kitchen and a clink of rings on the table. Michael followed, never glancing back at Maria, looking nowhere but at his fearless leader's back.

Resting a hand on Ava's shoulder I stepped forward and picked up the pentagon.

"I wonder how this works. I wonder if we could make a smaller one and implant it inside Tess.

Isabel, Ava, and Maria were staring at me. "Well, if we can't implant a conscience at least we can try this?

"Hey," Tess stood up, "what are you trying to do to me?

"Castrate you. I said, and then turned back to the pentagon. "We've just got to figure out what makes this work. We might be able to duplicate it with magic.

Ava turned to Tess. "If you do this willingly people might actually start to trust you.

"I'll do it. What have my powers gotten me except hatred and loneliness?

"Phoebe, Liz! I called. They came in from the kitchen. I proffered the pentagon. "My mechanic, and my scientist. I want you to figure out how this thing works.

I stepped back and let them go to work. I grabbed Ava's hand and pulled her into the kitchen. Kylie was in there, chopping vegetables in a distracted manner. I pulled Ava out to the back yard, then I hugged her, squishing her against me as hard as I could, she clung back just as tight.

"I never want to let you go. I never want you to feel lonely. I whispered heatedly into her ear.

She pulled back a little and looked up at me, biting her bottom lip.

"Would that be okay?" I asked.

"That would be very okay. She smiled a little. "Will you promise to squish me, a lot?

"yes.

"And kiss me whenever you can?

"Yes.

"And always touch me if I'm close enough?

"Yes.

"And not be afraid of hurting me, or holding me too close or too tight, I'm tough.

"I won't be scared.

"And will you sleep on top of me?

"I'll try to get used to it, because, well, I really like you, Ava.

"Well, I really really like you too.


	57. 57 Maria

56 Maria

"All right, Tess is going to stay here with you for a little while. Isabel stood and scratched her long fingernails across the table. She looked up, not at me, at Tess. "Will you be all right here?

Tess slowly turned her gaze from the two explorers dismantling the pentagon. "I don't know who I am. She said.

"Well you used to be my friend. And if you get things under control that's still an option. Tess did not smile. She eyed Isabel, carefully looking her up and down.

"Thank you.

Is glanced over to Liz. "She will be back to normal eventually, do you think? She seems very out of it.

Liz rolled her eyes, "Take advantage of the change while you've got it, at least she isn't manipulating us right now. Well, she's always manipulating us, but at least she's not being aggressive before surgery, no kick in the head with a horse's hoof.

"Kyle." She said. What about me, dammit Isabel, what am I supposed to do? Every one's leaving me. "Do you want to come to Boston with me? Jesse might be able to find you a job.

"I think I'll stick around San Francisco for a while. There has got to be a Buddhist community, right? And Is, though sacrifice is greater than pleasure, and all desire should be denied, what do you want? Is this what you really want?

"It's what I have to do, and then I can figure out what I really want.

"Well, maybe I'll see you. I'm going to stay, maybe keep an eye on Tess.

Isabel nodded and picked up the motorcycle helmet.

"I-I-s-sÉ" it came out as an embarrassing stutter-whisper. She glanced over at me.

"You're coming, right? You can come to Boston and hand for a while, while you're sending demo tapes and things in. Si chica?

She's not leaving me. She's treating me like her own. Why does that make me feel so good? Why do I want to be possessed? It doesn't matter. I'll write a song about it later. But she wants me to come with her. That'll be kind of weird, won't it? With her husband and her one night stand. Maybe I'll be a two night stand once we get to Boston. Maybe she'll have an affair. Maybe I'll find a boyfriend who isn't a numbskull like Michael, or one who isn't married. Maybe my first demo tape will be accepted and I'll rise to the top, sleeping with movie stars and managers and running from the paparazzi. Maybe I'll fall in love, god knows that's never happened before. And maybe I'll never see Liz again. I don't want to lose her. I don't want to lose all my past. Maybe I want to tangle my tongue into hers and use all that information I got in tickle sessions as a best friend. I'm a pervert. But I don't want everything to fade away, god I mean one huge fight, one bitter word, "Maria, I hate you, you're nothing to me," yes, yes I could deal with it. But not this fading out, this disappearance, this I don't care really. I need a dramatic ending here, I need a Maria, I love you, and a soul searing kiss, and then a but I can never be with you again, you must lead your life, and I mine, we must never see each other. God, of course she wants to get rid of me: her Ôbest friend' who has sexual fantasies about everyone she meets. Liz, I wouldn't even mind a hug, but you let me sleep, you there, so intent on your work, I'm leaving, I'm leaving forever, don't you care enough to say good bye.

"I'm coming, Is. Can I see you out there?

"Sure.

I stand up. I have to have closure, I have to have some closure, or my past, leaking like entrails out of the hole gouged deep in my stomach, tie it up at the least if you cannot stitch it shut.

"Liz.

She turns away from the pentagon and looks at me.

"Maria.

"I'm just, I'm going to go with Is to Boston, and I look at her. She's exactly who she used to be, but with more pain, after the alien invasion. She's my best friend, except she's an adult now, and I never quite made it that far. She's just looking at me, with those brown eyes, straight hair, lips parted, no make-up, and still she's gorgeous.

"I just want to say, good-bye. Indecision does not look good on me, so I do it. I dive for her cheek, a decoy, then catching her jaw with my hand and kissing her mouth. I've been her friend for almost eighteen years and I've never done that, never kissed her on the mouth, and now I know why. Because we were too close. I knew everything about her, she really didn't keep secrets from me, and she knew everything about me, until the aliens came and broke us apart. That's what caused this extra attraction. I didn't feel like this before they were here, but suddenly she spent time with Max, not me, and she started keeping secrets, little private ones, she told me the galaxy changing ones. I didn't keep secrets from her, until we no longer spoke like we used to, intimately, believing in each other's love enough to trust our souls to another's care. But I hadn't told her about the thing with Isabel, and she hadn't told me about the flashes of Tess, and then I kissed her, and the fucking alien flashes spread our secrets and I knew how she felt when she thought she was doing that to Tess, and what she thought of Max for it, and how she felt when she realized that it was all a lie, and how she still couldn't be with him. And she saw me seduce Isabel, and I pulled my tongue out of her mouth and I whispered, "goodbye. Then I brushed her cheek with my lips and walked out the door, no I will not think about Liz screwing Tess. No, I will not think about it. I will think of, I look down, that really sexy girl on the motorcycle over there, waiting for me. I don't look back. Clean break, one kiss is enough, I have a new life ahead and it starts with the seat of a Harley vibrating between my legs, my arms clenched tight around the taut stomach of a cute alien girl. San Francisco and Roswell behind us, Boston in front, and a whole slew of seedy motels in between. I feel like writing a song. Anything can happen today.


	58. 58 Kylie

57 Kylie

Sometimes a cup of coffee is just a cup of coffee, but sometimes it's a double cream latte, and you drink in that extra milky richness until there's not a drop left and you feel so good and so bad for it, because it's so luscious and so fattening and you don't care, but later the guilt comes and you skip dinner, but you can't live without eating forever, so you venture downstairs, and sneak into the kitchen, pull the door of the pantry shut behind you and gorge, fucking like teenagers on the floor, your back picking up the grit, your arm driven into the canned foodÉ And when you wake up you want to vomit, want to wash away your sins, but you can't, it's too late, you have already begun to digest, and your soul is being drawn towards hell, and when you look at her, and she looks at you her wide eyes terrified with the thought that you might go, you feel the tug of sins forbidden, and say, well, just one more chocolate chip cookie, but then it's bread and water, mister, bread and water for the rest of my life.

Ah, the joy of the extended metaphor.

Why did I do it? why couldn't I just have said no, just have said, I'm not up for this right now, maybe later, but no, we had coffee, and we talked, and it was so nice, so comfortable that I forgot why I was so scared of restarting out relationship, so I kissed her, and right after I did I remembered, and fled, and hid, and cried, and tried to scrub the taste of her lips off my mouth. I remembered how much I hate being in love. It never works out for me, never has, never will, even with her, especially with her. Idiot, why didn't you push me away? But why would you want to push me away? Besides the fact that I'm a neurotic time bomb who had to lose you because you thought too well of me, because you thought I was so wonderful you thought I was going to leave you, so you left me first, the crappy end to the six hundredth crappy relationship that ends in breaking my heart, and I hate you, because look at you, I killed you, I drained your confidence until you're a slavering dog waiting for instructions, heel. But god, the way you yanked Leo out from under the sink, the way you're starting to take charge again. Who am I to get off on that? But I do, so much. I've been alone since you left me, I've had to find out who I am for my self, I've had to be strong for me, and get what I wanted for me, make decisions and do all of that difficult stuff. I'm not mad that you left me. I didn't want you to stay. You were losing the things that made me love you. But it's not that simple, now or ever, and I shouldn't have been there, I shouldn't have been so ready, so wanting it at that time of night, when I followed you into the kitchen, supposedly for hot milk, and you smiled at me and I pressed you against the counter, and you pulled me into the pantry, our tongues parried and thrust like foil fencers, and it was like we were home again, nineteen again and unable to resist the lust that spread from one look, one word. I said how I was in the morning, bruised and sticky and disgusted with myself. I called the airline. I needed to go home. My vacation was over; I had to get back to work. And I had to get away from her. It was stupid, pointless, and impossible. She wasn't going to come back to New York and I wasn't moving out here, putting wood on the fire won't stop it from dying. But I had to apologize somehow, but I couldn't lose my nerve. I said goodbye, I kissed her long and hard and sweet, and then ran outside in the rain to the taxi. I won't say I didn't cry, but I never doubted I was doing the right thing. She was the one who left. If she could be the one who came back, but no. It isn't going to work. She isn't strong enough or confident enough to hunt me down. I'm not going to hope for anything. I just have to be strong enough to live my own life.

It's a long airplane ride, but I have books, and I'm looking forward to my next assignment. Love is nice, but it's optional.


	59. 59 Liz

58 Liz

I said I'd sleep with her tonight, keep watch on her. Kyle couldn't because he's a boy. So we took showers, changed into lovely lent PJs and climbed into Piper's bed. She's been so depressed lately that when I rolled over to look at her I didn't expect to see what I did. She was looking at me, her eyelids heavy with a wicked gaze.

"Did you ever like me? she drawled, one hand sneaking over and running up my side. What have I gotten myself into?

"I used to, then I got to know you.

"Why did you like me? And why did you stop?

I tried to remember back to the time I had first met her, "Well, you were nice, and wanted to be friends, and drop dead sexy, especially when you were kissing my boyfriend. Tess grinned, and it wasn't scary. Any expression she had made had been scary because I never knew whether it was real or something she was making me see, but this one felt real, she was grinning because she liked what I said about her. "We also though you were a normal person. I could understand someone trying to steal my boyfriend, but the whole destiny thing, it was surreal, and kind of sad. Then we were supposed to be Ôsoulmates' and that was surreal and depressing as well, couldn't we just like each other. I got swept away by the alien weirdness and I lost the fact that we're all just kids, not anything special, and love is something that I'm not sure I believe in. I liked Max, and you liked Max, and Max was really unsure about who he liked more. I liked you, I really wouldn't have minded being your friend, but things got out of control. I could understand a girl wanting to go home, but you wanted it so bad. If everyone hadn't been so paranoid we all could have helped each other out, andÉ all the badness wouldn't have happened.

"I didn't mean to. I really didn't mean to. I didn't know what was going to happen, but then everythingÉ got out of control. I really didn't realize how limited my power was.

"Shh," I shushed a teary eyed psychotic alien freak in bed with me. This is weird on so many levels.

"I don't trust myself, not at all anymore. I really want that pentacle thing, at least until I'm used to not using them.

I nodded, "but I liked you even when you were totally out of control, when you were cocky you were really attractive, when ever you were real. I don't know how, but I could tell whether you were being honest with your emotions or not.

"I want to kiss you, for real. Am I being honest now?

"Yes.

So I kissed her. It had been a girl kissing day what with Maria and all. Tess was nice, softer than I expected and her body was even smaller than mine when she squirmed into my arms. We kept it pretty chaste, she didn't even part my mouth, and we both suppressed the flashes. Personally I hate them. They're completely distracting, I really don't mind just focusing on the kiss. It was a good kiss, sweet and not too much too fast, like Max kissed me at first, but he hasn't kissed me like that in years. Tess curled up into me and rested her head on half of my pillow.

"I need to finish high school.

"Good plan there.

"That was never on my list of goals before. It just didn't matter too much to me. But what goals do I have left?

"I think you need some new ones.

"Yeah. But I don't have to have my life totally planned out. I think I need some time to figure out who I am and what I want.

"You and half the world.

"What's Kyle going to do?

"We should plan out his life for him since he seems to have no goals.

"I see him as a religion major, with intramural football.

"That sounds good, better than toilet drainer.

"Very much. Tess giggled, then glanced up at me, "I have another goal.

"What's that?

"Get you to kiss me again.

I smiled, "then you didn't mind?

"I'd never mind feeling cared about. I haven't felt that way for a long time.

I kissed her again. I didn't mind. I wasn't afraid of her anymore. It's odd, but sometimes now I think that Ava's the stronger of the pair. The amazing thing about the aliens is that they're all so human inside.


	60. 60 Love Phoebe

58 Love Phoebe

Dear Readers,

Sometime in our lives we are all going to have to face up to reality. We are going to have to deal with the fact that the man we want is never going to love us, or that our husband is going to an alien planet, no matter what we say or do. We are going to have to deal with the fact that the girl we love more than life is leaving on the next plane to New York, and with that the fact that the sister whom we trusted with everything has betrayed that trust and is a fugitive from the law. We like to think we live in a pretty world where nothing bad ever happens, and we're never scared, tired, or lonely, but eventually we're going to have to face reality. We are going to have to decide between love and our dreams. But love doesn't always live forever and someday we will realize that if we follow our dreams, we will be able to love ourselves. And if we love ourselves there is no reality that we cannot face.

Love Phoebe

No, I don't have to mention facing the reality that your girlfriend is masochistic, be quiet, Paige, I'm trying to write.

Pheebs,

We're just going to overthrow the council of elders, then I'll be back, I promise.

Piper

Um, hi,

We're looking for an apartment, but things are kind of expensive around here, so do you mind if we live here until Tess finishes high school, then we promise we'll move out.

Liz, Tess, and Kyle

Phoebe,

Are you sure you shouldn't consider going to New York after her? I mean; I would. You have to fight for what you want.

Ava

Idiot,

I managed to set fire to my office building, and was, sensibly, fired. Since this is your fault, do you think you can get me a job somewhere, not that I'm saying "I want you back" because I don't, but California is nice at all times of year.

Love Kylie

Hit single: The Slow Fade Out, by Maria DeLuca, playing on your local pop radio station now!

Nihao everyone,

Have left Jesse and hitch-hiking across Eurasia to find myself stop

Going by boat down Yellow River stop

Kyle am thinking about Buddhism stop

Love Iz stop

-4/3 833 j413) f()r 7r345(), 87 7-1(-5 ()()k1(- 9.

/1(-431 (-4771(- 9 (73 4113 j41134'5 )4(--73r.

0/3,

/&

(translation) Have been jailed for treason, but things looking up.

Michael chatting up cute alien Jailer's daughter.

Love,

M&M


End file.
